The Voices in My Head

Well, so I went up to the hills last night. Started praying. Asked God if Dad and Nephi were right about everything aaaaaand…nothing. No angels or visions like Nephi or Dad get. No voice of God like that one time. Seems like the only time God wants to talk to me is when Laman and I are at our wit’s end with those two. And then He’s only interested in chastising us. I don’t get it. Anyway, while I was up there, I got to thinking, and kinda had a conversation with myself.

Me: So how is this supposed to work anyway?

Me: Well, what are you expecting?

Me: Some sort of answer about the stuff Dad and Nephi say.

Me: That’s not very specific. How could I answer a question like that?

Me: I guess that’s a good point. I guess, what I want to know is, are the Jews really wicked? Was it really God leading us out of Jerusalem? Is God really leading Dad still? Is it really God who commanded Nephi to build a boat? How can everything I was taught growing up be so wrong?

Me: That's a lot of questions all at once...

Me: Yeah, and no answers. Exactly. And yet Nephi, he’s always talking about how God is talking to him. That’s kind of hard to believe, since it doesn’t ever happen to me.

Me: It doesn’t?

Me: Well, only like the couple times He’s chewed me out. He never answers my questions when I come to Him asking in prayer.

Me: How can you be so sure?

Me: Well if He has, then I’d appreciate it if He spoke a bit louder so I could hear. If He really wants to “reason” with us, not sure why He’s so inaccessible...

Me: Are you sure you’re not the inaccessible one?

Me: Well, yeah, I’m here all the time. Any time He wants to talk, I’m all ears.

Me: And how do you want to be spoken to?

Me: You know, like Nephi does—or at least claims he does. Angels, clear messages, clear voices, etc.

Me: How about the “still small voice” spoken of by Elijah and your brother yesterday?

Me: I don’t even know what to make of that. Just the…just the thoughts that come into your head? How in the world would I distinguish the divine ones from the thoughts I normally have that are not divine—like this little head-conversation I’m having right now? No, the only thing that makes sense is for God to speak clearly and openly to those He has appointed to lead. In this case it’s Dad, and then Laman, with me as a backup to Laman in case Laman stays Laman. Why would God skip me and jump down to Nephi without ever speaking clearly to me first like He does to Nephi. And then, without ever giving me a chance to prove myself, He takes the birthright from me and gives it to Nephi? Then through Nephi condemns me to be ruled over by Nephi? This is not the orderly God I’ve learned of. It’s my right, and so if He’s going to speak, He needs to do so clearly, so I can understand. Otherwise, I have every right to be suspicious of Nephi’s claims. His claims about God’s actions contradict the ways in which I understand God to work.

Me: You want a clear, understandable communication from God?

Me: Yeah! Of course.

Me: Well, you might just get what you ask for sometime in the next couple days.

Me: Yeah, just as I thought. Well, it looks like I’m not getting an answer tonight, but hopefully sometime in the next couple days then.

Then I went back down to camp without hearing a divine peep. It’s now been 2 days since Nephi blew up on us, and threatened to wither us. I’ve been keeping my distance from him in the meantime. I’ll see if God decides to answer my prayers today.