Everything I Know Is Wrong

Don’t know how to preface the conversation that happened today, so I’ll just jump in.

Laman: Nephi, you’re still gathering ore? I thought we settled this.

Nephi: Guys, I’m doing what the Lord told me to—

Laman: [sigh] You’re so much like Dad. You get these idiotic ideas in your head, and you just follow them over whatever cliff is nearby. Let’s look at the similarities here. Dad up and hauled us out of Jerusalem out here to suffer and die in the desert. And it wouldn’t be a huge deal if it were just us, but my wife and my children have suffered immensely because of Dad’s actions. You don’t know it, because Zilpah doesn’t like to complain openly. But she’s been in so much pain. She’s even told me she’s jealous of her dad's death because at least he isn’t suffering anymore.

Laman: We’ve been stuck out here for years. And all this time, we, the supposed providers and protectors of our family have been forcing them to suffer when instead we should’ve been providing them with the life they deserve. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, Nephi, but it’s not easy to bare and raise children. The comforts of society are a thing for a reason. We should’ve been in Jerusalem this whole time, taking care of our wives, ensuring our children have enough to eat—actually enjoying life!

Nephi: Until you and your family were slaughtered by the Babylonian army along with the rest of the wicked Jews.

Me: Dude, you are so self-righteous. The people in Jerusalem were righteous. They kept all of the Lord’s commandments, statues, judgements, everything laid out in the Law of Moses. And honestly, this is where the cognitive dissonance comes in for me. Yeah, the Lord spoke to us, and some stuff has happened like angels and a crazy director thing, that all seem to be evidence that Dad is a prophet. But we know that the Jews were righteous. They observed the sacrifice of the Day of Atonement, which Moses taught would cleanse all our sins before the Lord. Through Moses, God promised us that He will cause our enemies to be smitten before our face. They shall come against us one way and flee before us seven ways. But Dad, who is supposedly a prophet, has been very judgmental towards our people. A judgment I think he made erroneously. And then he led us out here into the desert because of this error in judgment. So yeah, there’s evidence to say he’s a prophet, but I just don’t get it, man. How does he get away with contradicting Moses? Contradicting God?

Laman: …and Nephi, I hate to say this, but you’re as bad as Dad is. I’ll admit, a few things have happened that seem to show the Lord's on your side. But those things don’t make any sense. You’re just as self-righteous and judgmental as Dad is.

Nephi: Lemuel, let’s talk about Moses. Do you believe our ancestors would’ve been delivered from Egypt if they hadn’t obeyed the words of God? Do you think they would have been led out of slavery if the Lord hadn’t commanded Moses to lead them out?

Me: Uhhh, not sure where you’re going with this, but the answer is no, they wouldn’t have.

Nephi: Okay, so you know that Israel was in bondage, and were yoked with some seriously awful tasks?

Me: [nodding] Uh huh…

Nephi: So you know it was good for them to be delivered?

Laman: Of course it was, Nephi, what’s your point?!

Nephi: And you know that God commanded Moses to do the delivering, and you know that he parted the Red Sea so Israel could pass through while the Egyptians were drowned.

Laman: [impatiently] Yep, we all know this.

Nephi: And then once they were in the wilderness, you know they were fed with manna, and drank water that came out of a rock when Moses smote it by the power of God.

Me: Yes, basic history. We know.

Nephi: But then, even though they were led by God Himself day and night as an actual pillar of light, and even though he did everything for them, they still hardened their hearts, blinded their minds, and rejected Moses and God. So how did God respond? He destroyed them as He said He would, He led them as He said He would, and He did for them all the things He said He would. The only things that were done were according to His word.

Nephi: Then they crossed Jordan, and God gave them power to drive out the people living there and destroy them. Now think about this, those people living in Canaan before Israel showed up, were they righteous?

Me: …well, n—

Nephi: —No, they weren’t. Now, if the Canaanites had been righteous, would Israel have been “chosen” to possess the land?

Me: Uhhhh, I’m...not sure...

Nephi: NO, they wouldn’t have been. Look, God esteems all people equally. The righteous are favored of God. But the Canaanites had rejected every word of God. They were fully wicked, and God destroyed them. He cursed the land for the Canaanites until they were destroyed, and blessed it for our fathers so they could obtain it. The earth was created to be lived on, and God raises up righteous nations on the earth, and destroys wicked ones. So He leads the righteous people to precious areas, and He destroys the wicked and curses their land. He’s up high in the heavens; we’re His footstool.

Nephi: He loves those who make Him their God. He loved our fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. It was because of the covenant He made with them that He delivered Israel from Egypt. But wow did they ever harden their hearts in the wilderness, and God had to straiten them by His rod. It’s just like you guys.

Laman: What?!

Nephi: God straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent the fiery flying serpents, and He made a way for them to survive if they’d just look. But many wouldn’t and died instead. Then they kept hardening their hearts, until they started going after Moses—oh, and against God too. But, because of His mercy, God led them into the land of promise anyway. And now, after all this, it’s finally time for them to be destroyed because of their wickedness. Heck, they might already be destroyed for all I know. And I know there will be a day where nearly all of them will be destroyed except a few who are captured.

Nephi: And because of this, God told Dad to get out of Jerusalem (oh, and let’s not forget the Jews wanted him dead). But it’s not just the Jews, you guys have also wanted to kill him, which means you have the same murderous heart that they do.

Me: —Now wait a second! We had no intention of—

Nephi: [voice raised a bit now] You guys are quick to sin, but slow to remember God. You’ve even seen AN ANGEL, and GOD HIMSELF SPOKE TO YOU! He tried to speak to you in a still, small voice, but your hearts were past feeling, so you couldn’t feel that voice. So He spoke to you in a voice of thunder, which shook the earth. And you know that He can destroy the entire earth with His word, and He can alter terrain. So why are you so hard in your hearts?! I can’t tell you how sad I am in the depths of my soul, and how this breaks my heart! I have reason to fear that you guys might be cut off from God forever! And I— I am full of the Spirit of God, so much so that my physical frame has no strength.

Me: Nephi, you’re getting a bit worked up, and you’re not really making sense anymore. I think you need to calm down.

Laman: Yeah, and maybe cool off…[wink in my direction]

Me: A swim?

Nephi: Stop!

Laman: I think that’ll help him get his head back.

Nephi: Stop! In the name of the Almighty God, I command you to not touch me! I am filled with the power of God, so much so that my flesh is consumed by it. And if you lay a hand on me, you'll wither like a dried reed. You will be nothing before God as He smites you!

(Around this time, I noticed Nephi looked kinda…weird. Sort of glowing-ish, but not in a normal glowing way. It was weird. Anyway, his appearance definitely backed up his claim he just made)

Not exactly what it looked like, but I didn't have my camera on me, and this picture from an old Sinimite story about a monkey is the closest thing I could find.

Nephi: And, I command you to stop murmuring against Dad, and to help me build this ship because God has commanded me to build a it. And you know what, if God commanded me to do all things, I could do them. If he commanded me to say to the water, “become land,” it would become land. If I said it, it would happen. So now, if the Lord is that powerful, and is capable of such awesome miracles, then why in the world couldn’t He instruct me to build a ship?!

Me: Okay okay, let’s calm down. We’re not going to hurt you—

Nephi: —You can’t hurt me. God has filled me with His power

Me: Fair enough, we can’t hurt you. But here’s my question, you didn’t make any sense just now. I was talking about the scriptural promises that God will protect us, and how that seems to undermine yours and dad’s claim that they’ll be destroyed for wickedness. You just kinda recounted our history and then called me and Laman wicked murders. So, help me see how this all ties together.

Nephi: Okay, let’s go over this one more time. You think you and the Jews are righteous because you observe a bunch of rites and ordinances given to Israel in Moses’ day, but as the Lord said, “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices? I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fattened cattle. I get no pleasure from the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to worship me, who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?” He goes on to tell us that our gifts, offerings, celebrations, fasting, pious meetings, all these things are sinful and false. Then He offers us an alternative to our false righteousness. “Come now, and let us reason together.” This is not the message of a God who expects you to only adhere to a list of things He revealed in the past. To come and reason with Him requires us to know Him now. And then, and only then, after you’ve communed with Him, if you are willing and obedient, your sins will be forgiven, and you will eat the good of the land.

Nephi: You see, the whole reason God was able to work through Moses in those days was because Moses and Israel (sometimes) obeyed God’s voice in those days. Righteousness isn’t just obeying a list given in the past, it’s also listening for, receiving, and obeying God’s word toDAY. That’s the only reason Moses was able to deliver the people. I recounted our history to illustrate this principle. But the people were bad at obeying God back then too. Heck, God offered Israel a chance to enter into His presence, and they even said no. Anyway, those promises you mentioned, those were conditional upon Israel’s righteousness, and our history shows that Israel was not righteous. If those promises were unconditional, then why was the Kingdom of Israel destroyed by the Assyrians?

Me: Well, Israel rebelled against the house of David, which God had appointed to lead this people. They cut themselves off from His protection.

Nephi: You’re exactly right that they cut themselves off through rebellion. So then the question is, “Have we also rebelled? Or are we still loyal to our God?” Let’s look at the evidence. Who appointed our current king?

Laman: The Babylonians, look, I get where you’re going with this.

Nephi: Okay, so you fill in the blanks then.

Laman: The fact that Babylon has already subjugated us into basically a vassal state is evidence that God might not be protecting us.

Nephi: Okay, and His lack of protection is evidence of what?

Me: I guess it’s evidence that maybe the Jews aren’t actually righteous.

Nephi: Now let’s bring this full circle. Our family is a type of Israel. Just as Israel fled wicked Egypt as destruction reigned down upon it, our family is escaping the fully ripe nation of Judah as destruction is about to be visited upon it. God led Israel by speaking to Moses, and He wanted to speak to all of Israel, but they hardened their hearts against Him. God leads our family by speaking to Dad, and He wants to speak with all of us, but you two have hardened your hearts against Him. So He speaks to whomever will listen, and He has commanded me to build this ship. Dad leads our family, but his profession hasn’t taught him to work metal. I don’t understand everything about how God works, but I think that might be why God has commanded me to take the initiative and build this ship. And, if you would go to Him, reason with Him, He would teach you what He needs you to do to fulfill your part in leading our family to our own land of promise.

Nephi: Just as Israel had to pass through the great waters to symbolize the death of their enslaved selves, and their rebirth as a covenant people of God, we too will pass through these great waters and be born anew as God’s people in a land He promised us. Now, does that make more sense?

Me: So, what you’re saying is that working backward based on the evidence at hand, the Jews aren’t that righteous, and so the promises of their protection aren’t binding on God. Consequently, destruction is coming to them, but protection is still offered to those who hear God's word in this day—in other words, Dad…and you. And so that’s why we’re out here, basically as a mini Israel with you and Dad playing Moses and me and Lemuel playing the children of Israel.

Nephi: Pretty much.

Me: That’s kind of a harsh, but the evidence of God’s power shooting out of you seems to support your point. So…you’ve given me a lot to think about. I hope you’ll be patient with me, this is a very different way of looking at our people than I’ve ever faced before. I need some time to think it over.

Nephi: Please take the time, and please, go to God. He will help you.

Laman: [slightly sarcastically] Yeah, that’d be nice.

Nephi: Whaddya mean?

Me: He means it’s easier said than done. I’ve prayed to God before and asked Him for answers to questions, but I’ve never received "an answer." Laman, I’m guessing you’ve been there too?

Laman: Yep. It’s really convenient how God won’t stop talking to you and Dad, but I’ve never experienced that.

Nephi: Try again. Take the next couple days, and really think this over, and spend time in prayer. God will respond.

Me: Okay, sounds good. Well, I gotta go help Jael. It’s starting to get late.

Nephi: Laman, Lemuel, I love you guys. That’s why I care so much about this. I hope you know that.

Laman: Yeah, Nephi, yeah, we know you do.

And then with that, we headed back to camp. This conversation all happened last night, and so I’ve been thinking over it since. I just don’t know. There are some obvious signs supporting the view that Dad and Nephi are asserting (Jews are wicked, ‘bout to be destroyed. God is protecting/delivering us to a promised land), but I don’t get why God is talking to them and not me or Laman. It’s not like I never ask Him for answers when I pray. I have in the past, but I learned that’s just not how He communicates with me. For me, our faith has always just made sense, and I’ve accepted that as God’s way of guiding me. So I’ve done my best to adhere to that faith, and obey the wise counsel of our leaders.

The last eight years have really thrown all that up in the air, and, for the first time in my life, things don’t just make sense anymore. So this evening after the family gets to bed, I think I’ll head up to the hills to pray about all this. Nephi’s the fourth son, and if God will talk to him, then why wouldn’t he talk to us older sons? I mean, I know Laman can be a bit cold, and so I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother to try talking to God. But I’m up for it, and as the second oldest, if God wants to lead our family, he’ll probably need to do it through me once Dad passes on. I should have time to update you all tomorrow on how it goes tonight.