Laman and Mom Problems

We’ve conducted two more searches for Nephi since I last wrote. Laman is getting increasingly frustrated with our failure to find him. He is more convinced than I am that Nephi intends to attack at some point. We don’t want to give him that opportunity, so we’re trying to make sure we find him first.

Mom insists she doesn’t know where Nephi is, and Laman’s paranoia is creating a real rift between the two of them. Mom won’t even speak to Laman anymore, and all he does is yell at her for not letting him know that Nephi was planning to bolt. I think it’s obvious why she didn’t say anything. While she tried to keep harmony, she generally sympathized more with Nephi, and had her health allowed, I’m sure she would’ve left with him. Laman knows that too, and for that reason, he worries that Mom might betray him.

Yesterday, during one of their one-sided “discussions," he even clenched his fist and started to raise his arm. But I caught his attention with a “dude, better cool off” stare, and he relaxed, and just walked away mumbling about why he even tries since there’s no reasoning with a traitor. So as I was saying in the last post, Laman is growing as he takes on the leadership role, but his own demons are exacerbating his weaknesses and causing this division with mom. Her health isn’t great, so I don’t think Laman needs to be so concerned with her. Let her live out her last days in peace. Then we can turn over a new leaf of pragmatism in the family.

Old age should be like this picture—a peaceful place to reflect on

the peaks and valleys of life.

On a somewhat related note, with all the search parties during spring planting season, I’m worried our crop this year might not be sufficient for the growing family. Laman said he has plans to “supplement” our food by raiding the camps of one of the native tribes that recently attacked our native friends. There aren’t as many of us in our group, but we have way better weapons, so we shouldn’t face much of a threat. I’d prefer we were a little more self-sufficient, but this plan allows us to deal with the threat of Nephi and help our friends deal with the threat to their survival. So I guess it’s the best possible option, but I don't like it.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

We got back from searching for Nephi yesterday. We spent nearly a week looking for him, but a couple days ago, Laman decided it was enough, and we started to head back. You would think a bunch of people with their herds, kids, tents, etc. would be easy to track, but we totally lost their trail within a couple hours of searching for them on the first day. Their trail seemed to lead right into a mountain and stop at its base. I wasn’t very familiar with that area, so I guess I’m remembering wrong, but I swear there wasn’t even a mountain there when we were hunting in that area last year. And our native friends were really confused by the mountain too, so maybe it’s not just me. Anyway, this threw a major wrench into the whole process, as we now had no idea which way to go.

Laman was saying we need to “think like Nephi” to figure out where he went, but that’s not exactly an easy task. For all we know he built another boat and sailed off to someplace else. I’m only half kidding.

On the way back to camp we were hungry, and Laman managed to shoot a mountain lion. I was initially hesitant about eating it because it’s not clean. Laman pointed out though that the Law of Moses was a covenant given to the Israelites that was attached to their inheritance of the land of Canaan. Therefore, it provided a law regarding the animals of that land. But if we want to survive in this new land, we must receive the spirit of the land from those who know it best—its wildlife. We cooked and ate most of the mountain lion, but Laman left a small part uncooked that we then ate. He said that just as God had allowed us to survive on raw meat in the wilderness to protect us from the consequences of Dad's actions, we would continue to show our remembrance of God's protection by this token.

Laman isn’t normally the type to get too religious, so it was good to see him open up a bit more to the things of God. I see the mantle of leadership falling on him as he ponders not just the physical, but also the spiritual welfare of our family.

Anyway, we’re going to strengthen our defenses to ensure we’re prepared for any future raids Nephi might conduct against the family. He’s chosen to break off and no doubt views us as threats to his claims of authority. He’s stolen the brass plates, which we too risked our lives to acquire. I’m sad he’s chosen this road. Now Nephi is a brother by blood only, not by any real relation.

Gone Girl(s and Boys)

This isn’t going to be a very long post. Just wanted to update you. We woke up this morning to find Nephi, Sam, Jacob, Joseph, Zoram, their families, and Tamar and Ephrath had all disappeared. Their tents, flocks, and food were all gone. Mom is still with us, but her health is bad, and she’s not taking kindly to Laman’s interrogation regarding Nephi’s whereabouts. While in there, I noticed the brass plates were gone, so Mom must have known that Nephi was going and gave them to him. I didn’t mention that to Laman because I didn’t want to send him over the edge. Laman, Ahijah and I are headed out shortly to track them down. We’re taking some of the natives we’ve befriended with us because they’re more familiar with the land. We’re leaving Hoshea in charge of the family.

On a weird note, I woke up really late this morning. I felt like I'd been asleep forever. The sun was high in the sky, and I was surprised I didn't see anyone else up yet. So our search party is getting a later start than we should. We didn’t drink any wine last night, so I have no idea why we were all out for so long. Unless Nephi slipped something into our dinner… But the families each had dinner in their own tents last night, so no idea what’s up with that.

Clear and Present Danger

It’s been almost a month now since Dad passed away. There’s a lot of tension right now in the family. Laman has assumed the mantle of leading the family, but Nephi, Sam, and Mom seem unaccepting of that fact. I feel like overall, Laman is doing his best for the group. He’s not prone to the whimsical “visions” that lead to suffering the way Dad was. He can be harsh, but it’s generally in trying to keep Nephi from leading everyone off on whatever foolish misadventure he’s conjured up. Mom has really been keeping the tension manageable up until now. Laman and Nephi both respect her, and so I think she’s the real force that has kept this group together.

But I’m worried things are going to get worse, and Mom’s limited in what she’ll be able to do. Yesterday, Nephi and Laman got into a huge argument. Nephi has been working on gathering gold, silver, and copper in order to make some tumbaga plates and start writing his own scriptures. Laman however thinks that Nephi should be working to provide more for the family. Of course, wrapped up in this whole argument is the subtext of who is really in charge. It ended with Nephi reminding Laman what the angel told us years ago outside of Jerusalem—Nephi would rule because Laman and I were wicked. Laman didn’t have a good retort for that, but you could see the anger boiling inside of him. The next day, Laman and I were out hunting and I was trying to calm him down a bit about Nephi, when we had the following conversation.

Me: Honestly, I think we’d be better off if we ignored him more. You’re the eldest, you have the right to rule, so just rule. As long as the family follows you, let Nephi do what he wants.

Laman: Lemuel, I don’t think you see what’s really going on here. Why did Nephi kill Laban?

Me: He said God told him that it’s better for a wicked person to die than for our posterity to fall into apostasy.

Laman: Now, think about your interactions with Nephi. How does he view you and me?

Me: …as wicked people who…might lead our family into apostasy...

Laman: So you see, in Nephi’s mind, he would be justified in killing you and me.

Me: You’re being paranoid. Nephi wouldn’t kill us!

Laman: Did you think he’d kill Laban?! He didn’t have to. He could’ve just taken his clothes, grabbed the plates, and we’d have been gone before Laban woke up. Ishmael died as a result of his actions too. And he abducted Zoram for no reason. Think about it, he didn’t have to bring Zoram out to meet us, did he? Why did he do it? Nephi’s lust for power knows no bounds, and he saw an opportunity to pick up a servant while demonstrating his superior obedience to Dad. The fact is with Dad gone now, Nephi’s going to make his move. If you want your wife left as a widow and your children without a father, keep your head in the sand. But I have a responsibility as a father to protect my family, even if you want to evade yours.

Me: uhhh...

Laman: Of course, your wife probably won’t be a widow for long. I’ve heard Nephi’s quietly preaching something to “the righteous” about adoption into the family of God, and “sealing" other women to himself. I think that basically means he’s marrying them. So I guess your wife could join his harem, and she’d be alright.

Me [trying to stay calm]: Now you’re just being a jerk. Look, Nephi’s loves power, but he wouldn’t go that far.

Laman: The kid keeps surprising us, Lemuel! I don’t want the next surprise to be fatal! I’m done talking to you about this; take some time to really think about it. Think about your family. Isn’t it your job to protect them?

I hate to say it but Laman kind of has a point here. With Dad gone, Nephi is a real threat to Laman and me. This is the sort of thing that’s littered throughout the books of the kings—brothers killing brothers to secure their rule. I don’t know what to do. Nephi’s my own brother, but I’m worried he might not value my life the same way I value his. With Laman, I at least know that he has the family’s welfare at heart. I hate this situation. There are just no good choices right now.

Which Dad Do I Remember?

Dad passed away yesterday. Right now we’re busy with the burial ceremonies, so I won’t have a ton of time to write.

This whole thing is really weird for me; I have a lot of mixed feelings. Most of growing up, Dad was amazing. He was this tough dude that would go out on the dangerous caravan trading routes and bring home riches. He was always kind to me too. I really looked up to him. Then he started listening to those weird apostates like Jeremiah who were attacking our religion and God’s chosen leaders. Once he joined that clique, he only ever seemed to be disappointed with me.

And then for the last twelve years, he’s brought nothing but increasing hardship on our family. And he thinks I’m the problem! He was warned in a vision that Jerusalem was going to be destroyed, and then once we get to this new land, he’s also informed via a vision that Jerusalem was destroyed. He offered that as proof that he did the right thing in destroying so much of what our family had worked to build. But if his first vision was crazy (or possibly a deception by evil spirits who tempt proud men like Jeremiah to rise up and condemn the rest of the leaders), then his second vision was likely also inaccurate. Then at the end of all of this, after I followed him out here against my better judgment, and put up with Nephi constantly trying to outdo the rest of us, after all of that, he tells my kids I’m wicked and that their curse will rest upon my head. He’s basically teaching them to not honor their father and mother.

So yeah, the part of me that’s still the kid back in Jerusalem is sad to see Dad go. But adult me has seen nothing but hardship and difficulty from Dad’s decisions, and so I hope our family can turn over a new leaf now where we won’t be led into suffering through the whimsies of Dad’s dreams. Laman might be a bit harsh at times, but he’s essentially a very practical guy. The challenge that’s coming will be Nephi. It’s clear he wants to be in charge, and his leadership would be just as poorly thought through as Dad’s, but it would have an added problem: he has a chip on his shoulder because he wants to be in charge, but he’s the younger brother. So who knows what he’d resort to if he thought he had a chance to take charge.

"Long live the king"

Anyway, over the next few days, we’ll finish up with the ceremonies for Dad. I’m going to try to focus on the good times before everything went south (literally).

Betrayed

As bothered as I was at the end of my last post, I’m more annoyed today. This morning, Dad called in Laman’s kids to his tent for some parting words. Then he called in mine. I listened in to what he was saying (since they’re my kids, I have a right to know what he’s telling them). He basically told them that they’re great, but they have rotten parents who are going to bring cursings down on them. He then said he’d bless them anyway so their curse would land on my head. Yeah, he undermined me in the worst way directly to my own children.

Again, thanks Dad.

Really gonna miss ya.

What dad brings upon our family

What I bring upon our family

I don’t know how else to address this topic because I’ve covered this sooo many times already. I’ve worked my butt off trying to keep this family alive while accommodating Dad, Nephi, and their whims. They cast their opinions as unassailable truths and refuse to see any legitimacy in the viewpoints of others. Then, anyone who disagrees with them is so evil that they’ll seek to turn that person’s children against them.

Dad's Parting Words

Sorry it’s been so long since the last post. We’re planting again and getting ready for another year. Dad’s health has been really bad, so we’re taking care of him too. Obviously Mom does the most for him, but I’ve really been trying to help out wherever possible to. It’s just frustrating because it seems like he doesn’t notice.

For example, yesterday he called Laman and me into his tent and reamed us out about what happened on the boat. That was over a year ago now. Laman and I have both been working our tails off to help the whole family survive since then, but there’s no recognition of that. Just drudging up old mistakes we’ve made.

He then echoed a bunch of stuff Nephi said about prophecies of our descendants in this land. Then he wrapped up pulling the biggest guilt trip ever. “Hear the words of your trembling parent whose about to lay in the grave, from where no traveler can return. I only have a few days left. So awake from your deep sleep of hell, and shake off the chains that bind you and will bring you down to eternal misery.”

He then went on to explain that we need to obey Nephi, which bothered me of course, but I could tell really ticked off Laman (although he didn’t say a word). He then pointed out that if it weren’t for Nephi, we’d have starved in the wilderness south of Judah. But what he forgot to mention is that he and Nephi were the very reason we were starving in the wilderness in the first place.

Dad then went on to say that Nephi was only “sharp” with us because the sharpness came from God. I feel like that’s only half the story here though. You could say he’s just using the sharpness of God, or you could say he lacks empathy and humility. He refuses to see the other side of issues when we disagree, and I think that’s the root cause of the contention.

Mine and Laban's destined position

He wrapped up by saying that if we don’t listen to Nephi, he’s going to remove his blessing from us. So yeah, apparently everything Laman and I have done to support this family doesn’t matter one bit if we aren’t willing to bow to Nephi.

You now, it’s hard to deal with the impending loss of Dad. But he makes it so much harder when I now realize that I never really had him in the first place. To him, he was always Nephi’s dad, and he apparently wishes he wasn't mine.

Spiritual or Temporal — Part 2

Wow, that was long! Well, I know who in the family inherited Dad’s ability to go on and on in a talk. Anyway, Sukkot is in full swing, and this morning, Nephi addressed the family as Dad requested for our Hakhel observance. I’ll save you time by hitting the highlights.

• 600 years from when we left Jerusalem is when God will come down to the world. (Odd that it’s such a nice, round number. Also, at first it seems like Nephi’s putting himself out there to make such a specific prediction, but he won’t be around in 600 years, so not really.)
• When God comes down here, the wicked people at Jerusalem will kill Him. (Yeah, we all know how you feel about the people at Jerusalem, Nephi.)
• When He dies, bad stuff will happen.
• The people at Jerusalem will be scourged, scattered, hated etc. because of what they did. (This doesn’t make sense to me. I thought Dad and Nephi were saying the Jews at Jerusalem were about to be destroyed by Babylon when we left. But now it’s actually not for another 600 years? Why did we leave then?!)
• God will eventually gather all of Israel
• Many of the scriptural prophesies about Israel are talking about our family. (Seems kind of arrogant and/or self-centered in my view.)
• Then he read some of Isaiah’s prophecies about Israel. (I didn’t really understand what he was getting at here. Were these prophecies about Israel and our family meant to be understood as a spiritual scattering and gathering or a literal scattering and gathering?)

So an even more brief summary is that

• Jerusalem is wicked (so wicked they’ll kill God (not sure how it’s possible to kill God))
• Good thing we got out of there because it’s going to be destroyed, and
• We’re special because the prophets were talking about us.

That’s basic Nephi 101; nothing really new here.

Afterward, I was asking Nephi if the stuff he’s talking about symbolizes spiritual occurrences or physical occurrences. See what I’m thinking is how can people physically kill God? It’s not possible, right? So this has to be referring to the spiritual events that occur when someone rejects God. From the point of view of their spirit, God is dead and can no longer aid them because they have cut themselves off from Him. Right?

But Nephi said that what he’s talking about is both spiritual and physical. The prophecies come through the spirit but refer to real physical things that will occur. So yeah, I still don’t get how that works. Again, man can’t actually kill God. It’s got to be symbolic. That’s the only way it makes any sense.

Nephi then said he didn’t dare speak anymore, and we need to believe the prophecies on the plates. But I do believe them, it’s just that Nephi and I understand them differently. Oh well.

The Interpreter

Sorry it’s been awhile since the last update. Our promised land (assuming we don’t have to move again) is fertile, but also takes a lot of work. We just finished our first harvest and we’re going to be having a big feast in a couple days to celebrate.

The locals I mentioned in the last post gave us some pointers on prepping our fields, and then nearly all of our seeds took to this soil really well, and so the harvest was much better than we expected. God has definitely blessed us here.

Yesterday I finished building an altar. Given our harvest is a gift from God, it’s important that we offer sacrifices of thanksgiving as part of our feast. I’ve never built an altar before, but given the materials and tools I had on hand, I gotta say, I did quite well.

Dad asked Nephi to teach the family as part of the celebration, and Nephi seems ecstatic. Dad’s been pretty sick, and so Nephi has been taking over a lot of Dad’s duties which rubs some people (read: Laban) the wrong way. I’ll be honest, it kinda bugs me too. Partially because he’s my little brother, but mostly because of the way he goes about it. He’s so confident in his interpretation of the scriptures. In my experience there are kind of 6 levels of support the scriptures can give to a person's interpretation.

1. The scriptures explicitly support an interpretation. At this point, it’s not really even an interpretation. For example, the scriptures plainly state that Abraham received a covenant from God regarding his posterity (us).
2. The scriptures implicitly support an interpretation. The scriptures don’t come right out and say it, but the stories told, or the statements made make a lot more sense if the interpretation is true. For example, it’s my own personal view that the practice of taking multiple wives is just a horrible idea. Now the scriptures don’t come right out and say that, in fact we have stories of Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon all having more than one wife. However, not one of those stories goes well. Abraham and Jacob both experience tons of drama because of it. David and Solomon pretty much lose their souls because of it. So my interpretation of the scriptures is that multiple wives is a horrible idea. None of the prophets say it, but I think the scriptures implicitly support my interpretation.
3. The scriptures neither support nor refute an interpretation. Sometimes the prophets say things that are just kind of open or it’s not explained what they’re talking about. For example, when Zenos talks about an olive tree and the grafting back and forth of branches from tame and wild olive trees, he doesn’t come right out and explain exactly what he means. Dad and Nephi have both offered their interpretations of what Zenos’ story means. And as I’ve looked at what he’s saying, it appears to me that their interpretation is consistent with his story, but is by no means the only possible interpretation. Other interpretations that the prophets taught back in Jerusalem are also consistent with the story. So who’s right? I’m still in the process of trying to figure out some principles/rules that can help me answer that question. My operating rule before was to listen to the priests and prophets God had appointed to lead His people. But the last decade of experiences has destroyed that operating rule for me.
4. A roughly equal number of passages support an interpretation as refute it. This one is tricky, and it’s the source of another conflict I’ve had with Dad and Nephi. There are so many passages where the Lord promises He will protect and flourish our people. Yet Dad and Nephi have a roughly equal number of passages they often cite to indicate Jerusalem was ripe for destruction. So again, how do you determine who’s right? Well I have no idea. As I stated above, my operating rule on stuff like this has been pretty well smashed.
5. The scriptures only support an interpretation if you pull some serious mental gymnastics. This generally involves taking a passage and reinterpreting certain words to mean something different than those words are commonly understood to mean. Then using those reinterpreted words to make the passage support an interpretation.
6. One passage on its own supports an interpretation, but you have to ignore lots of other scriptures that refute that interpretation. Back to the multiple wives example, the law does allow for taking more than one wife, and so people think it’s okay. But to do that, you have to ignore all the stories of heartache and salvation lost among those who have taken more than one wife. It’s just a bad idea.

Anyway, numbers 3 and 4 have been a constant source of disagreement between me and Nephi. And it doesn’t bother me necessarily that we have different interpretations. Instead what’s annoying is his complete confidence in his interpretation and an unwillingness to entertain the possibility that my interpretation might also be valid.

So yeah, that’s what I have to look forward to when Nephi takes center stage in a couple days. I think instead I’ll try to focus on the cool altar that I built.

NOW We Made It to the Great Valley

Whew! Been busy. After landing, we had to pack up everything and head to wherever Dad and Nephi believed we should settle down. I was worried we were in for another eight year journey. Luckily after about a month of travel we got to a place they were happy with.

Also, I should mention, we didn’t have our camels anymore to haul all our stuff. I was thinking since we were carrying enough gear that we needed camels to transport it all, we’d better plant our roots near the seashore or this is going to be a total pain. So none of us could believe it when Dad said we needed to haul everything farther inland. Luckily it turns out, Sam is some sort of animal whisperer. We came across some kind of beasts of burden that were tame enough that he could get them and break them. Not sure what they were doing hanging out in the middle of nowhere, but I won’t complain.

We’re in a beautiful valley now. There’s only one navigable entrance into the valley on the south. A river runs into it from the north, but the mountains there are steep and the canyon too narrow to traverse. We’ve planted our seeds and are hoping they’ll grow here in this new, foreign soil. And, Nephi has been gathering ore to build tools. By the time harvest season comes around, we should be properly decked out.

Boat's Done

Quick update is all I have time for. Ship is done. We tested it out; it runs well, and no leaks. We’re in the middle of loading up all our gear into the ship before we shove off. I imagine we’ll be leaving pretty soon. Once we get on board, I imagine things will probably be kind of slow, so I’ll have more time to blog.

Parting shot of our beautiful, temporary home

Shock and Awe

Time to come clean and eat some crow. I’m now busy helping Nephi build the ship. I probably won’t have a ton of time to blog over the next while as we work on this. The day after my last post, Nephi came up behind me and Laman and touched us with his hands. No idea how to explain what happened, but all I can say is there was some power in him that really shook both of us. I guess that’s what I asked for in my prayer—a clear, unmistakable message. And boy did I get it. Anyway, Laman and I took that as evidence God is with Nephi in this ship building project. So even though I’m going to miss Bountiful, we’re doing our part to build a quality ship so we can leave.

Some scenery from our beautiful home we'll be leaving. (And yes, that's the point from which Laman and I were planning to help Nephi "cool off.")

A quick note before I finish up though. I’m still trying to figure things out. Yes, God has given me evidence that Nephi is His man, and I’m accepting that evidence and obeying accordingly, but He hasn’t done anything to help resolve the questions I’ve expressed over and over again. I almost feel like He doesn’t care enough to be bothered. I mean Nephi and Dad get all sorts of personal visitations and answers to their questions, and I get nothing except chastisement and shocks. I really wish God loved me the same way He does Nephi.

The Voices in My Head

Well, so I went up to the hills last night. Started praying. Asked God if Dad and Nephi were right about everything aaaaaand…nothing. No angels or visions like Nephi or Dad get. No voice of God like that one time. Seems like the only time God wants to talk to me is when Laman and I are at our wit’s end with those two. And then He’s only interested in chastising us. I don’t get it. Anyway, while I was up there, I got to thinking, and kinda had a conversation with myself.

Me: So how is this supposed to work anyway?

Me: Well, what are you expecting?

Me: Some sort of answer about the stuff Dad and Nephi say.

Me: That’s not very specific. How could I answer a question like that?

Me: I guess that’s a good point. I guess, what I want to know is, are the Jews really wicked? Was it really God leading us out of Jerusalem? Is God really leading Dad still? Is it really God who commanded Nephi to build a boat? How can everything I was taught growing up be so wrong?

Me: That's a lot of questions all at once...

Me: Yeah, and no answers. Exactly. And yet Nephi, he’s always talking about how God is talking to him. That’s kind of hard to believe, since it doesn’t ever happen to me.

Me: It doesn’t?

Me: Well, only like the couple times He’s chewed me out. He never answers my questions when I come to Him asking in prayer.

Me: How can you be so sure?

Me: Well if He has, then I’d appreciate it if He spoke a bit louder so I could hear. If He really wants to “reason” with us, not sure why He’s so inaccessible...

Me: Are you sure you’re not the inaccessible one?

Me: Well, yeah, I’m here all the time. Any time He wants to talk, I’m all ears.

Me: And how do you want to be spoken to?

Me: You know, like Nephi does—or at least claims he does. Angels, clear messages, clear voices, etc.

Me: How about the “still small voice” spoken of by Elijah and your brother yesterday?

Me: I don’t even know what to make of that. Just the…just the thoughts that come into your head? How in the world would I distinguish the divine ones from the thoughts I normally have that are not divine—like this little head-conversation I’m having right now? No, the only thing that makes sense is for God to speak clearly and openly to those He has appointed to lead. In this case it’s Dad, and then Laman, with me as a backup to Laman in case Laman stays Laman. Why would God skip me and jump down to Nephi without ever speaking clearly to me first like He does to Nephi. And then, without ever giving me a chance to prove myself, He takes the birthright from me and gives it to Nephi? Then through Nephi condemns me to be ruled over by Nephi? This is not the orderly God I’ve learned of. It’s my right, and so if He’s going to speak, He needs to do so clearly, so I can understand. Otherwise, I have every right to be suspicious of Nephi’s claims. His claims about God’s actions contradict the ways in which I understand God to work.

Me: You want a clear, understandable communication from God?

Me: Yeah! Of course.

Me: Well, you might just get what you ask for sometime in the next couple days.

Me: Yeah, just as I thought. Well, it looks like I’m not getting an answer tonight, but hopefully sometime in the next couple days then.

Then I went back down to camp without hearing a divine peep. It’s now been 2 days since Nephi blew up on us, and threatened to wither us. I’ve been keeping my distance from him in the meantime. I’ll see if God decides to answer my prayers today.

Everything I Know Is Wrong

Don’t know how to preface the conversation that happened today, so I’ll just jump in.

Laman: Nephi, you’re still gathering ore? I thought we settled this.

Nephi: Guys, I’m doing what the Lord told me to—

Laman: [sigh] You’re so much like Dad. You get these idiotic ideas in your head, and you just follow them over whatever cliff is nearby. Let’s look at the similarities here. Dad up and hauled us out of Jerusalem out here to suffer and die in the desert. And it wouldn’t be a huge deal if it were just us, but my wife and my children have suffered immensely because of Dad’s actions. You don’t know it, because Zilpah doesn’t like to complain openly. But she’s been in so much pain. She’s even told me she’s jealous of her dad's death because at least he isn’t suffering anymore.

Laman: We’ve been stuck out here for years. And all this time, we, the supposed providers and protectors of our family have been forcing them to suffer when instead we should’ve been providing them with the life they deserve. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, Nephi, but it’s not easy to bare and raise children. The comforts of society are a thing for a reason. We should’ve been in Jerusalem this whole time, taking care of our wives, ensuring our children have enough to eat—actually enjoying life!

Nephi: Until you and your family were slaughtered by the Babylonian army along with the rest of the wicked Jews.

Me: Dude, you are so self-righteous. The people in Jerusalem were righteous. They kept all of the Lord’s commandments, statues, judgements, everything laid out in the Law of Moses. And honestly, this is where the cognitive dissonance comes in for me. Yeah, the Lord spoke to us, and some stuff has happened like angels and a crazy director thing, that all seem to be evidence that Dad is a prophet. But we know that the Jews were righteous. They observed the sacrifice of the Day of Atonement, which Moses taught would cleanse all our sins before the Lord. Through Moses, God promised us that He will cause our enemies to be smitten before our face. They shall come against us one way and flee before us seven ways. But Dad, who is supposedly a prophet, has been very judgmental towards our people. A judgment I think he made erroneously. And then he led us out here into the desert because of this error in judgment. So yeah, there’s evidence to say he’s a prophet, but I just don’t get it, man. How does he get away with contradicting Moses? Contradicting God?

Laman: …and Nephi, I hate to say this, but you’re as bad as Dad is. I’ll admit, a few things have happened that seem to show the Lord's on your side. But those things don’t make any sense. You’re just as self-righteous and judgmental as Dad is.

Nephi: Lemuel, let’s talk about Moses. Do you believe our ancestors would’ve been delivered from Egypt if they hadn’t obeyed the words of God? Do you think they would have been led out of slavery if the Lord hadn’t commanded Moses to lead them out?

Me: Uhhh, not sure where you’re going with this, but the answer is no, they wouldn’t have.

Nephi: Okay, so you know that Israel was in bondage, and were yoked with some seriously awful tasks?

Me: [nodding] Uh huh…

Nephi: So you know it was good for them to be delivered?

Laman: Of course it was, Nephi, what’s your point?!

Nephi: And you know that God commanded Moses to do the delivering, and you know that he parted the Red Sea so Israel could pass through while the Egyptians were drowned.

Laman: [impatiently] Yep, we all know this.

Nephi: And then once they were in the wilderness, you know they were fed with manna, and drank water that came out of a rock when Moses smote it by the power of God.

Me: Yes, basic history. We know.

Nephi: But then, even though they were led by God Himself day and night as an actual pillar of light, and even though he did everything for them, they still hardened their hearts, blinded their minds, and rejected Moses and God. So how did God respond? He destroyed them as He said He would, He led them as He said He would, and He did for them all the things He said He would. The only things that were done were according to His word.

Nephi: Then they crossed Jordan, and God gave them power to drive out the people living there and destroy them. Now think about this, those people living in Canaan before Israel showed up, were they righteous?

Me: …well, n—

Nephi: —No, they weren’t. Now, if the Canaanites had been righteous, would Israel have been “chosen” to possess the land?

Me: Uhhhh, I’m...not sure...

Nephi: NO, they wouldn’t have been. Look, God esteems all people equally. The righteous are favored of God. But the Canaanites had rejected every word of God. They were fully wicked, and God destroyed them. He cursed the land for the Canaanites until they were destroyed, and blessed it for our fathers so they could obtain it. The earth was created to be lived on, and God raises up righteous nations on the earth, and destroys wicked ones. So He leads the righteous people to precious areas, and He destroys the wicked and curses their land. He’s up high in the heavens; we’re His footstool.

Nephi: He loves those who make Him their God. He loved our fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. It was because of the covenant He made with them that He delivered Israel from Egypt. But wow did they ever harden their hearts in the wilderness, and God had to straiten them by His rod. It’s just like you guys.

Laman: What?!

Nephi: God straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent the fiery flying serpents, and He made a way for them to survive if they’d just look. But many wouldn’t and died instead. Then they kept hardening their hearts, until they started going after Moses—oh, and against God too. But, because of His mercy, God led them into the land of promise anyway. And now, after all this, it’s finally time for them to be destroyed because of their wickedness. Heck, they might already be destroyed for all I know. And I know there will be a day where nearly all of them will be destroyed except a few who are captured.

Nephi: And because of this, God told Dad to get out of Jerusalem (oh, and let’s not forget the Jews wanted him dead). But it’s not just the Jews, you guys have also wanted to kill him, which means you have the same murderous heart that they do.

Me: —Now wait a second! We had no intention of—

Nephi: [voice raised a bit now] You guys are quick to sin, but slow to remember God. You’ve even seen AN ANGEL, and GOD HIMSELF SPOKE TO YOU! He tried to speak to you in a still, small voice, but your hearts were past feeling, so you couldn’t feel that voice. So He spoke to you in a voice of thunder, which shook the earth. And you know that He can destroy the entire earth with His word, and He can alter terrain. So why are you so hard in your hearts?! I can’t tell you how sad I am in the depths of my soul, and how this breaks my heart! I have reason to fear that you guys might be cut off from God forever! And I— I am full of the Spirit of God, so much so that my physical frame has no strength.

Me: Nephi, you’re getting a bit worked up, and you’re not really making sense anymore. I think you need to calm down.

Laman: Yeah, and maybe cool off…[wink in my direction]

Me: A swim?

Nephi: Stop!

Laman: I think that’ll help him get his head back.

Nephi: Stop! In the name of the Almighty God, I command you to not touch me! I am filled with the power of God, so much so that my flesh is consumed by it. And if you lay a hand on me, you'll wither like a dried reed. You will be nothing before God as He smites you!

(Around this time, I noticed Nephi looked kinda…weird. Sort of glowing-ish, but not in a normal glowing way. It was weird. Anyway, his appearance definitely backed up his claim he just made)

Not exactly what it looked like, but I didn't have my camera on me, and this picture from an old Sinimite story about a monkey is the closest thing I could find.

Nephi: And, I command you to stop murmuring against Dad, and to help me build this ship because God has commanded me to build a it. And you know what, if God commanded me to do all things, I could do them. If he commanded me to say to the water, “become land,” it would become land. If I said it, it would happen. So now, if the Lord is that powerful, and is capable of such awesome miracles, then why in the world couldn’t He instruct me to build a ship?!

Me: Okay okay, let’s calm down. We’re not going to hurt you—

Nephi: —You can’t hurt me. God has filled me with His power

Me: Fair enough, we can’t hurt you. But here’s my question, you didn’t make any sense just now. I was talking about the scriptural promises that God will protect us, and how that seems to undermine yours and dad’s claim that they’ll be destroyed for wickedness. You just kinda recounted our history and then called me and Laman wicked murders. So, help me see how this all ties together.

Nephi: Okay, let’s go over this one more time. You think you and the Jews are righteous because you observe a bunch of rites and ordinances given to Israel in Moses’ day, but as the Lord said, “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices? I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fattened cattle. I get no pleasure from the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to worship me, who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?” He goes on to tell us that our gifts, offerings, celebrations, fasting, pious meetings, all these things are sinful and false. Then He offers us an alternative to our false righteousness. “Come now, and let us reason together.” This is not the message of a God who expects you to only adhere to a list of things He revealed in the past. To come and reason with Him requires us to know Him now. And then, and only then, after you’ve communed with Him, if you are willing and obedient, your sins will be forgiven, and you will eat the good of the land.

Nephi: You see, the whole reason God was able to work through Moses in those days was because Moses and Israel (sometimes) obeyed God’s voice in those days. Righteousness isn’t just obeying a list given in the past, it’s also listening for, receiving, and obeying God’s word toDAY. That’s the only reason Moses was able to deliver the people. I recounted our history to illustrate this principle. But the people were bad at obeying God back then too. Heck, God offered Israel a chance to enter into His presence, and they even said no. Anyway, those promises you mentioned, those were conditional upon Israel’s righteousness, and our history shows that Israel was not righteous. If those promises were unconditional, then why was the Kingdom of Israel destroyed by the Assyrians?

Me: Well, Israel rebelled against the house of David, which God had appointed to lead this people. They cut themselves off from His protection.

Nephi: You’re exactly right that they cut themselves off through rebellion. So then the question is, “Have we also rebelled? Or are we still loyal to our God?” Let’s look at the evidence. Who appointed our current king?

Laman: The Babylonians, look, I get where you’re going with this.

Nephi: Okay, so you fill in the blanks then.

Laman: The fact that Babylon has already subjugated us into basically a vassal state is evidence that God might not be protecting us.

Nephi: Okay, and His lack of protection is evidence of what?

Me: I guess it’s evidence that maybe the Jews aren’t actually righteous.

Nephi: Now let’s bring this full circle. Our family is a type of Israel. Just as Israel fled wicked Egypt as destruction reigned down upon it, our family is escaping the fully ripe nation of Judah as destruction is about to be visited upon it. God led Israel by speaking to Moses, and He wanted to speak to all of Israel, but they hardened their hearts against Him. God leads our family by speaking to Dad, and He wants to speak with all of us, but you two have hardened your hearts against Him. So He speaks to whomever will listen, and He has commanded me to build this ship. Dad leads our family, but his profession hasn’t taught him to work metal. I don’t understand everything about how God works, but I think that might be why God has commanded me to take the initiative and build this ship. And, if you would go to Him, reason with Him, He would teach you what He needs you to do to fulfill your part in leading our family to our own land of promise.

Nephi: Just as Israel had to pass through the great waters to symbolize the death of their enslaved selves, and their rebirth as a covenant people of God, we too will pass through these great waters and be born anew as God’s people in a land He promised us. Now, does that make more sense?

Me: So, what you’re saying is that working backward based on the evidence at hand, the Jews aren’t that righteous, and so the promises of their protection aren’t binding on God. Consequently, destruction is coming to them, but protection is still offered to those who hear God's word in this day—in other words, Dad…and you. And so that’s why we’re out here, basically as a mini Israel with you and Dad playing Moses and me and Lemuel playing the children of Israel.

Nephi: Pretty much.

Me: That’s kind of a harsh, but the evidence of God’s power shooting out of you seems to support your point. So…you’ve given me a lot to think about. I hope you’ll be patient with me, this is a very different way of looking at our people than I’ve ever faced before. I need some time to think it over.

Nephi: Please take the time, and please, go to God. He will help you.

Laman: [slightly sarcastically] Yeah, that’d be nice.

Nephi: Whaddya mean?

Me: He means it’s easier said than done. I’ve prayed to God before and asked Him for answers to questions, but I’ve never received "an answer." Laman, I’m guessing you’ve been there too?

Laman: Yep. It’s really convenient how God won’t stop talking to you and Dad, but I’ve never experienced that.

Nephi: Try again. Take the next couple days, and really think this over, and spend time in prayer. God will respond.

Me: Okay, sounds good. Well, I gotta go help Jael. It’s starting to get late.

Nephi: Laman, Lemuel, I love you guys. That’s why I care so much about this. I hope you know that.

Laman: Yeah, Nephi, yeah, we know you do.

And then with that, we headed back to camp. This conversation all happened last night, and so I’ve been thinking over it since. I just don’t know. There are some obvious signs supporting the view that Dad and Nephi are asserting (Jews are wicked, ‘bout to be destroyed. God is protecting/delivering us to a promised land), but I don’t get why God is talking to them and not me or Laman. It’s not like I never ask Him for answers when I pray. I have in the past, but I learned that’s just not how He communicates with me. For me, our faith has always just made sense, and I’ve accepted that as God’s way of guiding me. So I’ve done my best to adhere to that faith, and obey the wise counsel of our leaders.

The last eight years have really thrown all that up in the air, and, for the first time in my life, things don’t just make sense anymore. So this evening after the family gets to bed, I think I’ll head up to the hills to pray about all this. Nephi’s the fourth son, and if God will talk to him, then why wouldn’t he talk to us older sons? I mean, I know Laman can be a bit cold, and so I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother to try talking to God. But I’m up for it, and as the second oldest, if God wants to lead our family, he’ll probably need to do it through me once Dad passes on. I should have time to update you all tomorrow on how it goes tonight.

Only Fools Rush In (to Building Boats)

Oh boy. You know…enough years had passed I thought we were good with Nephi again. But you know that ore he was gathering? Well, I guessed right and wrong. He was gathering ore to make tools—but not tools to build a house. He’s making tools to build…

…wait for it...

…A BOAT!

Yeah, he thinks he can build a boat! He’s never even been on a boat. I’m not sure if he ever saw a real sea prior to use arriving at Bountiful. Now, I can guess what you’re thinking. Maybe he’d like to do a bit of sailing around since we’re going to be living by the sea. Maybe he’s planning to do some fishing. Well you’re thinking wrong. Here’s the conversation:

Me: So a boat, huh? Sounds fun, planning on using it for fishing?

Nephi: Nope, it’s—

Laman: —It’s probably not the highest priority right now is what it is, bro.

Me: Laman’s got a point. I’ll bet Rebekah and the kids are anxious for you to get started on your house. Just a bit of marriage advice, I’d start with what your wife wants, then after she’s happy, get started on your new hobby.

Nephi: This isn’t a hobby; it’s what the Lord commanded me to do. Our families are not—

Me: —Try telling that to Rebekah, who will be living in a tent after her sisters are all living in homes we built.

Nephi: Guys. I’m not just building a boat. I’m building a ship, and this takes priority over building homes because we’re not staying here. We’re going to the land that God promised us.

Me: Woah woah woah...

Laman: …Wait, what?! What are you talking about?!

Me: Yeah, we’re already in the promised land. Look around! God led us here, there’s fruit, game, water, everything we need. If this isn’t the promised land, anywhere else would probably be a step down.

Laman: Aaaaand you don’t know how to build a ship. It’s one thing to build a little boat that you can use to sail around near shore. If it sinks, you can swim back. But you’re gonna put all our families on a ship you built and sail it out into the sea to some new promised land you’ve never seen when we already have one right here?! [Looking at some drawings Nephi made] Wait, are those your designs? You’ve clearly never seen a ship before because that looks nothing like what a ship looks like. You are sooo out of your depth.

Not the actual designs, but they were on this level of weird

Nephi: Guys, this isn’t the promised land. It’s not where God wants our families to be. He commanded me to build this ship after a manner that He showed me and take our families to the promised land. Now I’m going to need your help on this. So would you please hear me out on this? If you don’t believe me take it to God and ask Him yourself.

Me: That’s why we have a prophet, Nephi. And that prophet is Dad—not you. Look, I’ll be honest, when we started this whole thing, it wasn’t easy for me to accept God was talking to Dad, and I still have some dissonance around that idea. But the voice of the Lord all those years ago plus us arriving here in the promised land has led me to the conclusion he’s probably a prophet—

Laman: —jury’s still out for me on that one.

Me: Fair enough, Laman. But Nephi and I both believe Dad is probably a prophet—

Nephi: I’m certain he’s a prophet of God.

Me: Okay, then you should understand then that it’s his responsibility to receive revelation for the family. For God to reveal this boat thing to you would violate the established channels. King David taught that God’s covenants are ordered in all things. He’s not going to violate His order. If this isn’t the promised land, and if we need to move on, that revelation will come to the prophet, the patriarch of the family—

Laman: —not someone who just wants to be. You’re wasting your efforts, and if we help you, we’ll be wasting ours too. In fact, it’s worse than that. It’s murdering our own families. Taking a ship out into the middle of the sea for who knows how long requires a good ship built by someone who knows what they’re doing. As the head of my family, there’s no way I’m going to let my wife and children drown on your suicide ship. I love them too much for that.

Me: He’s harsh, but he’s right. It’s my job to protect my family. I would be abandoning that responsibility if I allowed them to set sail on a ship you built. Heck, not just you, but on a ship any of us built. My lack of trust isn’t in you specifically—none of us know how to do this.

Laman: This isn’t the way to try to take power over the family, Nephi. Wait until Dad passes on, and then you can try to wrestle the birthright from me. But if you insist on this route, we’ll all drown, and you’ll have no one to rule over.

Nephi: You guys don’t get me at all, do you? Would you please just ask God about this?

Me: We have a prophet that we can and will follow; we don’t need to ask God about this.

With that, Nephi just hung his head, turned around, and walked off up into the mountains again. I have kinda conflicted emotions over the whole thing. He’s my kid brother, so I hate to hurt him like that. But on the other hand, it’s nice to see him finally humbled to the point where he couldn't get all self-righteous in the argument. I’ll make sure and apologize to him soon, just so that he knows there’s no hard feelings.

I Guess My Dad's a Prophet

We buried Ishmael yesterday. He died two days ago, the night after we reached Nahom. Like I said, his passing has been really hard on everyone. All of his daughters loved him a lot. So much so that at the burial ceremony, things got a bit heated. Zilpah and Jael both gave Dad a piece of their minds, and I wasn’t too inclined to intervene. They had a point. Their dad is dead (not exactly a sign of God’s approval of our trek), they’re exhausted, pregnant, starving, and although we have meat right now, that whole starvation incident might happen again if we continue on in our present course of action. They wanted to return to Jerusalem but Dad wasn’t really willing to talk about it at that time. Instead he said we need to focus on Ishmael’s burial for the time being, and deal with other issues afterward. So Zilpah and Jael stormed off, and weren’t even there for the final parts of the burial ceremony.

Laman was pretty bothered by the whole thing. He’s now the patriarch of his own family, and yet he's dragging them out somewhere they don’t want to be. Later on, Hoshea and Ahijah and me were a couple ris outside of camp when Laman came up to us and initiated the following conversation. I’ll warn you ahead of time, this conversation goes to a weird place, but just keep in mind we’ve all kind of been in a weird place lately. It’s hard to make sense of things.

Laman: We gotta get back to Jerusalem, guys.

Hoshea: And how are we going to do that? We don’t have the right gear to split up into two parties, and there’s no way you’ll ever get Lehi, Sam, and Nephi to come along with us.

Laman: Well, I don’t think we should split into two parties. Doing that basically ensures our moms and sisters die along with those three fools.

Me: Look, I wanna get back too. We all do. But, I’m starting to wonder though, like…that director. I have no idea how that thing works, but it seems to be from God, and it's telling us to keep going.

Ahijah: It does seem to be evidence that our Dads aren’t totally crazy...

Laman: Listen to yourselves! Who is the only one in our family that can make something like that director?!

Me: uhhh...

Laman: Nephi, you moron! Look, one thing Nephi has going for him is that he is a genius at creating stuff. A couple weeks before we left, his master was telling me he's excelling in his apprenticeship faster than any apprentice he’s ever seen. Ever notice how the writing on the ball never changes when any of us look at it? It’s only when Dad or Nephi are using it. Nephi is seriously cunning, and he rigged up the thing so the needles point the direction he wants them to go, and he swaps out the writing periodically. He’s trying to get us to think that God is leading us.

Me: You just blew my mind...

Ahijah: It kind of makes sense, I guess.

Laman: Oh, it makes even more sense than that. Nephi’s also claiming that God talks to him, and angels minister to him. Well isn’t that convenient? “Hey guys, God led us to this ‘promised land,’ so now it’s time to set up our little community that God has given us. Oh, and God talks to me, so I better tell you all how to run this place since God gave it to us.” God talks to him?! God speaks to the prophets, the men he gave authority to to lead us. But he’s trying to usurp that authority by setting himself up as a light for our family. It’s basically just priestcraft. He’s wants to be in charge, to be a king, regardless of how small his kingdom is. He’s always wanted to be on top. That’s why he always talks down to us. He’s trying to put us in our place—below him.

Hoshea: So I guess it’s safe to say you don’t think God is leading us then?

Me: [chuckle chuckle] Yeah, tell us how you really feel. No, kidding. But seriously, you kinda have a point here. But my question is, so what? What are we going to do?

Laman: Lemuel, who’s responsible for protecting Jael?

Me: … uhhh, me. Where are going with—

Laman: —And if Jael’s threatened, what’s your job?

Me: …uhhh, protect her? Take out the threat.

Laman: Okay, now why is Ishmael dead?

Hoshea: Because we are trying to survive in a desert...and apparently we’re not very good at it.

Laman: Okay, now Ishmael isn’t going to be the last one to die out here. The pregnant women will probably not make it either. You have to realize that the biggest threats right now to your wives are Dad and Nephi.

Me: So you’re saying that we should—

Laman: I’m saying it’s time to be a man and do what it takes to protect your family.

Ahijah: But Nephi would die before he lets us take everyone back to Jerusalem!

Laman: Then maybe we take him up on that offer. Look Lemuel, Nephi’s my brother too, and I don’t want to be talking like this, but things have changed now. My responsibilities have changed now, and Lemuel, so have yours.

Me: Yeah, I guess...

Laman: Look we don’t have to kill him. I’d prefer we don’t. What we do is we simply take control of the situation. We go back to camp, we announce we’re headed back and start the preparations. If they resist, we escalate and show we’re in control. Hopefully Dad and Nephi don’t do anything dumb, and we can all head back and move on with our lives.

Lemuel: I think you’ve got realize that escalation is guaranteed. It’s 4 against 4 here. Dad, Nephi, Sam and Zoram against the 4 of us. We’re not going to be able to “just take charge” here.

Ahijah: And your dad’s may not be a young guy anymore, but he definitely still has some fight in him.

Hoshea: So then I guess we have to strike first. Let’s say Nephi can’t put up a fight anymore, then that definitely swings the odds in our favor, and discourages the others from trying to stop us.

Laman: Hoshea’s ri—

And then the wind started. The weird thing was, there was no wind. Just the sound of a VERY. LOUD. WIND. We all stopped talking, then the wind sound died down, and then…Well, I don’t know how to explain it to all you guys. We all like…felt…or…heard…or something...a voice.

Not what it looked like, but definitely what it sounded and felt like.

Voice: Laman and Lemuel, arise and hearken to My words!

[Shocked and unsure what was going on, I just kinda sat there dumbfounded.]

Voice: Laman and Lemuel, arise and hearken to My word, even the word of the God of Israel!!

[This time I figured it out and complied.]

Voice: Why do you seek the blood of your father and your brother, Nephi? For I, the Lord, have said: Inasmuch as you keep my commandments, you shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands. And I have blessed Nephi, because of his faith, and because he has sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart. And inasmuch as you shall rebel against Nephi, you shall be cut off from my presence. And now behold, if you rebel against me, I will curse you, even with a sore curse. Now I say unto you: Go, and remember the captivity of your fathers in the land of Egypt, and remember how great things I have done for them; for they were in bondage, and I delivered them. And now I say unto you, Laman, Lemuel, Hoshea, and Ahijah, go your way, and seek to destroy your father and brother no more, that I may fulfill my covenant with them, and this even if you will of yourself be cast off.

Laman: [in a very terrified voice at this point] But...my God, are we not already cast off in this place? We have suffered much and will likely die of starvation.

Voice: If you hearken unto me, I will be your guide. I will bless you again with food, that you will not perish. Now go, repent of the evil you have done, and keep my commandments.

Yeah, so basically, Laman tried to argue with God. That guy! Whaddya gonna do?

Anyway, as I said up at the top of this post, this is all kinds of weird. How Nephi and Dad have favor with God when they’re actively rebelling against God’s prophets is beyond me. But who am I to argue with God? (That’s apparently Laman’s job anyway).

So after that, we basically cooled off, got our heads back on our shoulders, and decided that being "cast off" didn’t sound like our preferred life outcomes. So I’m trying to be more humble about this whole thing. Laman and I were chatting afterward and decided that we should probably accept that Dad is a real prophet. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that creates a lot of cognitive dissonance. I admit, I’m confused about what’s going on here, but I guess God wants me to play ball. So I’m gonna play.

The Hunger Games

Ooookaaay....

I'm kind of dispirited right now (to put it gently). Nephi broke his bow, and it’s been a few days since any of us have had anything to eat. There’s no indication of a town anywhere nearby, so I don’t know how we’re going to get food. I’ve been trying to think of a way out of this, but nothing is coming to mind. It’s too far to make it back to Jerusalem, and I don’t know how much longer we can last out here without a way to hunt. I don’t think this will be my last post—with water, which we have, a person can last a couple weeks without food—but it might be my 2nd or 3rd to last post.

Ishmael’s in REAL bad shape. He wasn’t exactly a youngin' when we left, and so the travel has been hard on him. We stopped to rest and hunt partially so he could recover. But without food, he hasn't. He’s so weak he couldn’t even get out of bed the last couple days.

Oh, and Jael’s pregnant. Not a great time to start a multi-day fast. Although I guess if we all die out here it doesn’t matter anyway. I hate to see her suffering the way she is. This is not the life a pregnant women deserves. It’s so tough because on the one hand, I’m supposed to honor my father and mother, but on the other hand, I’m Jael’s husband. I have a responsibility to take care of her—a responsibility I’m failing at as we die out here because of Dad, Nephi, and Ishmael.

I think Dad is finally starting to get it though. Laman and I were talking to him, and I was trying not to be all “I told you so,” but Laman had no qualms about it. I tried to gently explain that this is what I’ve been saying all along. The Lord protects His people, and abandoning them leaves us unprotected. Starving. In the wilderness. With no food. And no way of getting food. I think it finally got through to him because he’s pretty sad about the whole situation. It’s a bit late though. I just hope that if we don’t survive, this blog functions to help others learn from our mistakes.

Not sure if Nephi will ever get it. He really ticked me off this morning. He had the gall to chew us out for “hardening our hearts." My response was “Dude! My wife and unborn child are probably gonna die, and my concern for them constitutes a ‘hard heart?!'” Then I called him a self-righteous brat and told him where he could stick that holier-than-thou act of his. I turned around and walked off before he could push any more of my buttons. I generally try not to use that sort of language, but let's just say I'm not in the best place emotionally right now.

I don’t know what’s going to happen...I just don’t know...

Button Pushing

Just finished up another chat with Nephi, "the diplomat." I really need to stop letting him push my buttons. So Laman, Sam, and I were talking about Dad’s dream and the stuff he taught us about the olive tree. I explained my whole take from my last post—basically the confusion here comes from Dad interpreting certain scriptures as temporal when they’re clearly spiritual, otherwise God would have to be a liar.

Laman was in a pretty good mood (for once) and decided we should try to give Dad the benefit of the doubt. Basically we could try interpreting the scriptures temporally in a way that didn't lead to inconsistencies. Sam chimed in and point out that’s probably a good idea; he’d always felt like Zenos’ parable didn’t work with a purely spiritual interpreation. When I asked what he meant, he said something like, “Well, look at the section on the wild branches being grafted in. What could that possibly mean as an analogy to our spiritual lives?” Which is a good point.

So we were chatting about it for awhile. Dad had mentioned the Gentiles in connection with the wild branches, and we were trying to figure that out when Nephi showed up. He asked us what we were talking about, and we told him.

Nephi: Have you asked God your questions?

Me: Uhhh, not really. If God was here, I’d ask Him. But since he's not here to talk with, we’re doing our best to figure it out.

Nephi: Why don’t you do what God commands? Why would you die because of the hardness of your hearts??

Me: Wooahh, Nephi? We’re trying to understand these things—

Nephi: Don’t you remember what the Lord said? If you don’t harden you hearts, and ask in faith believing that you will receive, while diligently obeying God’s commands, He’s going to answer you.

So timeout from the script for a second for me to just add a quick note. Nephi and Dad hit on this “ask God to receive information” theme quite a bit. But I’m not sure what to do with it. I pray regularly, and I ask questions, and sometimes I feel the Spirit, but answering questions about stuff like the wild branches of the tree and the Gentiles would require God to communicate with me in ways capable of conveying more complex information—full sentences, paragraphs, concepts, etc. I’ve never experienced anything close to that, even when I ask. So what am I supposed to do? Anyway...

Nephi went on to explain his view on things. Basically that the olive tree was the house of Israel. Our family is a broken off branch of that tree. The wild branches are the Gentiles, and in the future, the Gentiles will get the fulness of the gospel and bring it to our descendants who will have lost the gospel by that point. Then our descendants will be grafted back into the original tree, or in other words rejoin the house of Israel. And these things apply not just to our “branch” but all of the house of Israel.

We then asked him about his take on a few of the symbols in Dad’s dream. He basically said the tree was the tree of life, the rod was the word of God, the river was hell, and it separated the wicked from the righteous. And then something about judgment.

Me: Interesting theory...

Laman: Yeah, it seems consistent, but I’m not sure if it’s actually correct.

Nephi: Well, you ought to ask God then, and He’ll tell you.

Me: You keep saying that, but I don’t know if you understand how hard it is for us to do what you’re saying. We’re trying our best here to understand this stuff, but you keep railing on us because we aren’t full-on prophets who receive paragraphs of quotes directly from God. You gotta be a bit more understanding of people, otherwise you’ll be the only one of us who doesn’t end up marrying one of Ishmael’s daughters. Most women (and people in general) would prefer to live and die alone as opposed to living with someone who is always bearing down so hard on them for not becoming their own personal Moses.

Nephi: The things I’m saying are only hard on the wicked—

Laman: —See! There it is again!

Nephi: Righteous people love the message I share because it brings salvation. It testifies that they’ll be lifted up at the last day. The wicked on the other hand always take the truth in a negative light. It cuts them deep. And if you guys were righteous, you wouldn’t be complaining about what I’m saying.

Laman [sarcastically]: Righteous like you??!

Nephi: Laman! It’s not about me! This is about you and the Lord! The Lord has offered you guys salvation! He wants to have a real relationship with you. He wants to talk with you, not just hear you offer up vain prayers to Him. He wants to answer you, teach you, show you, lead you. And I promise you that he will. I’m not a perfect person. I have so many failings I don’t know where to begin. But God is merciful enough to reach down to me and lift me up, and He’ll do the same for you guys. You need to get over me. I’m not important. God is. Please do what He asks. Turn to Him. Come to Him.

Me: You gotta decent point here. I guess sometimes we let you push our buttons, because to be honest, you often come off as a bit…—

Laman: —Self-righteous.

Me: I was trying to think of a nicer way to put that, but yeah, self-righteous.

Nephi: Look, guys, I know I have a tendency to get excited about this stuff, and speak very directly. It’s because this stuff is actually exciting, and the implications are very direct. I wish I could tell you everything I know, but know this: the Lord is leading our family, and if we obey Him, He will bless us.

Laman: Fair enough. I’ll try to do a better job of praying about things when I have questions.

Me: Same here.

Sam: I’ve been doing that all along, but you guys don’t listen to me.

Me [winkingly]: Shut up, Sam!

Sam: You guys are funny. I don’t know what’s going on with Nephi, but as I pray about these things, God has answered my prayers too. Not in ways that allow me to spell out all the symbolism in Dad’s dreams and the scriptures like Nephi can, but in ways that are important for the questions I’m asking.

Sam’s a good guy. He’s been hanging out with Orpah a lot lately. I’m thinking those two will make a pretty good couple. Anyway, back to the discussion. Like I said, I really need to stop letting Nephi push my buttons. I think he has a good heart, he’s just not the most compassionate in the way he talks. I’m gonna try to do better.

Drama in the Desert

I’m back in the Valley of Me again. Home sweet home (big fat nope!). The trip back down here had some drama. After about a day of walking, Hoshea (with a pregnant wife) and Ahijah (with a two-month-old) were talking to Laman about how hard the journey is for their families. They had apparently asked Nephi if we could slow it down, but Nephi was concerned about getting caught by the authorities for the whole Laban thing and was really pushing the pace. He slowed down, but apparently it wasn’t enough. So the next morning, I think Ashtaroth was ready to murder somebody if we kept up the death march. And I don’t blame her. She did not look like a comfortable pregnant lady. And I guess Sheerah’s baby wasn’t nursing real well, which Ahijah thought was because newborns don’t like being drug through the desert. Who knew?

This is not what desert living is like

Well, Hoshea and Ahijah found a listening ear in Laman who is probably even less jazzed about this trip than they are (and it’s not like Laman has a pregnant wife or a newborn to be concerned about). I also get where Hoshea and Ahijah are coming from. Ishmael doesn’t believe his life to be under threat like Dad does, so he doesn’t need to leave right away. He could easily wait about a year and his sons’ families would be in a way better place to make this trip.

So on day two, I figured I’d go talk to Nephi before Laman did. Laman doesn’t exactly have a soft touch when it comes to disagreeing with Nephi. Basically I told Nephi I was wondering if it’d be better for Ishmael’s family to wait a year before joining us. Nephi wasn’t really willing to budge on this issue though. He said that the Lord’s command to Dad included the statement that it wasn’t a good idea for our family to head into the wilderness alone. He interprets this to mean that we’re not going to be sticking around in the Valley of Me much longer, but will soon be heading deeper into the wilderness. So a year from now we won’t be camped out a few days journey from Ishmael’s home and might not be able to come back to Jerusalem again.

Turns out Laman was eavesdropping, and decided at this point to enter the conversation with all the tact of a Ba’al rage-storm. What follows below is basically my best recollection of their conversation:

Laman: Nephi, how does your brain work?! You’d rather follow through with an awkwardly and overly extended interpretation of Dad’s dream-musings than take care of the needs of a pregnant woman and an infant?! What’s wrong with you!!??

Nephi: [sad face]

Laman: Look, I know you wanna be in charge, but you’re not. Each of us here are adults and can make our own decisions. Let’s put the question to the group. [turns to face everyone] Alright listen, Ashtaroth is really struggling guys, and Ahijah’s baby might die because of this trip. Lemuel proposed an excellent idea—

Me: Why thank you!—

Laman: Shut up Lemuel, this isn’t time for your attitude. Now, Lemuel’s idea is for us to come back and get you guys in a year when Ashtaroth and Hoshea’s baby is up for the journey. Ishmael’s life isn’t in danger, and I’m pretty sure the city of Jerusalem can hold up until that point. So, what do you say? Hoshea?

Hoshea: Good plan

Laman: Ashtaroth?

Ashtaroth: It would keep me from murdering Nephi in his sleep tonight.

Laman: Ahijah and Sheera?

Sheera: Of course we agree.

Laman: Ishmael and Jehosheba?

Ishmael: Absolutely not. I know Lehi is a man of God, and I sense that same spirit in Nephi. The Spirit of God confirmed to me that He has commanded Lehi to bring us out of Jerusalem just as Nephi said, and I intend to bring my family out of Jerusalem.

Laman: Okay, I guess I care more for your grandchildren than you do. Next? All the single ladies?

Salome: I’m with Father.

Zilpah: Dad, you know it pains me to go against you, but Laman and Lemuel’s idea sounds like it’d be much better for our family. I ask you to reconsider.

Jael: I’m with Zilpah

Rebekah: Well I’m not. I honestly don’t know that Jerusalem has a year left.

Orpah: Agreed, they’re killing the prophets. The Lord won’t suffer them much longer.

Laman: Couple of prophetesses, eh? Whatever. Sam?

Sam: Laman, you know what the right thing to do is, so man up and do it.

Laman: What did you say to me?! Look, I happen to think the manly thing to do in this case is to not kill the infant and pregnant lady. That’s what I think "manning up" requires. I’m not sure what your definition is.

Nephi: Look! You guys are my OLDER BROTHERS! Why in the world do you have to be so deaf and blind that I, your YOUNGER BROTHER, need to be the example for you? Why haven’t you hearkened to the Lord? Did you forget that you’ve SEEN AN ANGEL!? Or what about His saving us from Laban while helping us get the record? Did you forget about that? How are you not aware that the Lord can do ANYTHING for us if we have faith in Him.

Laman: Nephi—

Nephi: And if we stay faithful to him, we’ll be given a new land of promise, and I guarantee that the Lord will at some point let us know when and how Jerusalem was destroyed. It’s gonna happen. The Spirit of the Lord has withdrawn from them, they’ve rejected the prophets, imprisoned Jeremiah and tried to kill Dad. And if you go back you’ll die with them. So you know what? You wanna go back? Go back up to Jerusalem, and remember what I’m telling you right now. You will die with them. I’m speaking the words that the Spirit of the Lord commanded me to speak.

Laman: You think you can curse me?! You dare to prophesy of my death?! We’ll see who’s going to die first. [sucker punches Nephi]

Me: Woaah—

Laman: —Lemuel, bring me your rope!

Me: Uhhh—

Laman: —He’s going to starve us all in the desert. Now bring me your rope!

So I brought him the rope, and I tied up Nephi while Laman held him. Looking back, I feel pretty bad about that. At the time, I was really bothered by Nephi’s approach to this whole ordeal and his insensitivity to everyone else. So I guess those negative feelings just took over. I figured after we dropped Ishmael’s family off in Jerusalem, we’d untie Nephi on the way back to the Valley of Me. But I was also kinda worried that Laman planned to actually leave him there, and I wasn’t looking forward to the confrontation that would be coming when I went to untie him in a day or so.

Laman then started rounding up the camp and getting everyone ready to head back up to Jerusalem. Meanwhile, I hear Nephi saying something (not sure who he was talking to), and he suddenly wriggled out of the rope, stood up, walked over to us, and let me and Laman have it (verbally). At this point, my calm nature still hadn’t returned and I was still kind of amped up from all the confrontation (confession: I don’t like confrontation; I don’t feel in control of myself in those situations). I thought Nephi was going to take a swing at Laman, so I stepped in and grabbed him. At that point, Jehosheba, Jael, and Ahijah came to play referee. Jehosheba’s just the nicest lady, which makes her a real force to be reckoned with when she puts her foot down in front of you.

I apologized to Nephi for attacking him, and guess what, even Laman apologized. Nephi’s response was “I forgive you, now it’d be a good idea if you pray to God and ask Him to forgive you as well.” So apparently he didn’t feel like he had anything to apologize for. That kind of stuck in my craw, so half of my prayer that followed was asking for forgiveness for attacking Nephi, and the other half was asking for forgiveness of my being bothered by Nephi who apparently thinks he’s totally in the right. I’m still working on that last half.

After the drama was over, we picked up camp and continued on to the Valley of Me (albeit at a pace more accommodating for Ashtaroth). Oh, and for those of you at home still wondering, Ahijah’s baby is eating again, and pooping, and doing all the baby stuff. Things worked out.

They're Coming with Us (and some prophetic words)

This update is coming sooner than I expected. The good news is I’m not in prison. Also, Ishmael’s place is pretty nice; we’re staying here to help him and his family get geared up to head out. And yes, that means he's going with us. Nephi did all the talking, which made sense. I still haven’t really drank Dad’s Kool-aid so I’m not a very effective representative of his views on this matter. Nephi on the other hand really sells it.

I dunno, maybe I’m being too hard on Nephi. That angel seemed to like him, and he did get the plates. So in spite of his weaknesses, I have to remind myself that he’s got some redeeming qualities. That’s hard to remember though, because I really don’t get what’s going on with him and Dad. They seem to be doing everything wrong, and yet God hasn’t stopped them yet. They criticize our leaders and our people, when it’s obvious that we’re keeping the Law of Moses. Yeah, we’re not perfect, but neither are Jeremiah's followers. Shortly before we left, I heard one of the prophets teach the following:

"Too many people think Jews and their leaders should be perfect or nearly perfect. They forget that the the Lord's grace is sufficient to accomplish His work through mortals. Our leaders have the best intentions, but sometimes we make mistakes. This is not unique to our faith, as the same thing occurs in our relationships among friends, neighbors, and workplace associates and even between spouses and in families.

Looking for human weakness in others is rather easy. However, we make a serious mistake by noticing only the human nature of one another and then failing to see God’s hand working through those He has called.

Focusing on how the Lord inspires His chosen leaders and how He moves Israel to do remarkable and extraordinary things despite their humanity is one way that we hold on to the Law and stay safely within the Good Caravan Israel."

Why do Dad and Nephi have to be so negative? Isaiah was pretty clear when he said, “How beautiful up on the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!…Break forth into joy, sing together, ye waste places of Jerusalem: for Jehovah hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem.” Don’t they know what these words mean? Why would they rather be negative and criticize others instead of be counted among those who bring good tidings?

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, but it’s just something that’s been on my mind lately as I'm trying to figure this thing out. I admit I’m still at a loss.

Anyway, back to the main point, Ishmael and Nephi really hit it off. So Mr. Charisma apparently isn’t as awkward as I thought. He just gels with certain types of people. With Zoram and now Ishmael, I’m worried we might have too many of Nephi's “type” pretty soon.

Luckily they're balanced out by Ishmael’s sons and a couple of his daughters who seem to be a bit more practical. Both of Ishmael’s sons have one young kid, and his oldest son, Hoshea, will be getting a second kid soon. His wife, Ashtaroth, is about six months along. Sheerah, Ahijah’s wife (Ahijah is Ishmael’s second son), just had a baby two months ago. So needless to say, neither Hoshea nor Ahijah are all that pumped about abandoning everything to live in the desert. It was one thing for our family to do it with all of us kids being a bit older. But taking a newborn out to live the life of a nomad…well, I can see why his two sons are ticked at us.

Last night, I could see how unhappy Hoshea and Ahijah were with their Dad, so I pulled them aside and kind of gave them the run down. I let them know that most of us weren’t excited about it either, but it’s like Dad and Nephi are on a different planet. I told them to store their stuff somewhere secure because eventually our Dads and Nephi would come back to earth when the reality of the situation (read: potentially starving in the desert) set in. We just gotta get through this until Dad and Ishmael have had time to cool off and feel it’s safe to return. I don’t know if this helped them settle down or not, but at least they’re cool with me now and realize we’re on the same side.

Same goes for Zilpah and Jael, two of Ishmael’s daughters, who were there when I was trying to calm their brothers. They don’t have circumstances that cause the same level of concern as their brothers, but they’re rightfully concerned anyway. Zilpah’s worried that her dad is full on apostate now. He’s no longer just reading and listening to the Jeremiah faction, but now he’s abandoning Israel. I totally get where she’s coming from. I didn’t really have a good answer to help her out because…well…I worry about the same thing.