Tragedy

I don’t even know how to start this blogpost. We’ve experienced tragedy to the point that my usual slightly snarky tone is now massively inappropriate. Two nights ago, Laman and I were trying to talk to Mom, and she opened her mouth and actually spoke to Laman for the first time in weeks. But it wasn’t helpful. She chewed him out as thoroughly as Dad ever did. She told him it was his own fault that Nephi had left, and that Nephi was never a threat to anyone. That Laman and I had cut ourselves off from God on our own account by driving Nephi away.

What happened next is all a blur, and I’m still trying to put it all together because it happened so fast. I remember Laman actually hitting Mom. Hard. She was sitting up in her bed, and it knocked her down. He attempted a second swing, but I jumped on him to stop him. I was behind him so when I intervened, I jumped onto his back and put him in a chokehold to restrain him. He struggled at the chokehold for only a couple of seconds before he lost consciousness and fell to the floor (I didn’t know cutting off someone's breathing could drop them that fast). But when he hit the ground and I released the hold, he didn’t start breathing again. I couldn’t get him to respond, and my brother died right there in my arms.

The family didn’t expel me because when they saw mom’s broken jaw, they knew I was only trying to defend her. But that’s no comfort to Zilpah and her children who are now left without a husband and father. Trying to process all of this has been more than I can handle. I don’t know how to put into words everything going on in my mind. It’s just that, you know, I didn’t even really want to kill Nephi, who was an actual threat that might’ve required it. I can’t believe the brother whose life I took was Laman. Laman has been trying to protect our family from the moment this whole craziness started. How is he the one that deserves to die? How is it even possible that I killed him? I only had him in the hold for a couple seconds?

Then to top it all off, Mom is far too old to recover from a broken jaw and a ripped apart family. She likely has only a few days left. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep blogging about this. At first, it was therapeutic for dealing with the stupidity of our situation. But our situation has moved from stupidity and craziness to misery and tragedy.

Laman and Mom Problems

We’ve conducted two more searches for Nephi since I last wrote. Laman is getting increasingly frustrated with our failure to find him. He is more convinced than I am that Nephi intends to attack at some point. We don’t want to give him that opportunity, so we’re trying to make sure we find him first.

Mom insists she doesn’t know where Nephi is, and Laman’s paranoia is creating a real rift between the two of them. Mom won’t even speak to Laman anymore, and all he does is yell at her for not letting him know that Nephi was planning to bolt. I think it’s obvious why she didn’t say anything. While she tried to keep harmony, she generally sympathized more with Nephi, and had her health allowed, I’m sure she would’ve left with him. Laman knows that too, and for that reason, he worries that Mom might betray him.

Yesterday, during one of their one-sided “discussions," he even clenched his fist and started to raise his arm. But I caught his attention with a “dude, better cool off” stare, and he relaxed, and just walked away mumbling about why he even tries since there’s no reasoning with a traitor. So as I was saying in the last post, Laman is growing as he takes on the leadership role, but his own demons are exacerbating his weaknesses and causing this division with mom. Her health isn’t great, so I don’t think Laman needs to be so concerned with her. Let her live out her last days in peace. Then we can turn over a new leaf of pragmatism in the family.

Old age should be like this picture—a peaceful place to reflect on

the peaks and valleys of life.

On a somewhat related note, with all the search parties during spring planting season, I’m worried our crop this year might not be sufficient for the growing family. Laman said he has plans to “supplement” our food by raiding the camps of one of the native tribes that recently attacked our native friends. There aren’t as many of us in our group, but we have way better weapons, so we shouldn’t face much of a threat. I’d prefer we were a little more self-sufficient, but this plan allows us to deal with the threat of Nephi and help our friends deal with the threat to their survival. So I guess it’s the best possible option, but I don't like it.

Gone Girl(s and Boys)

This isn’t going to be a very long post. Just wanted to update you. We woke up this morning to find Nephi, Sam, Jacob, Joseph, Zoram, their families, and Tamar and Ephrath had all disappeared. Their tents, flocks, and food were all gone. Mom is still with us, but her health is bad, and she’s not taking kindly to Laman’s interrogation regarding Nephi’s whereabouts. While in there, I noticed the brass plates were gone, so Mom must have known that Nephi was going and gave them to him. I didn’t mention that to Laman because I didn’t want to send him over the edge. Laman, Ahijah and I are headed out shortly to track them down. We’re taking some of the natives we’ve befriended with us because they’re more familiar with the land. We’re leaving Hoshea in charge of the family.

On a weird note, I woke up really late this morning. I felt like I'd been asleep forever. The sun was high in the sky, and I was surprised I didn't see anyone else up yet. So our search party is getting a later start than we should. We didn’t drink any wine last night, so I have no idea why we were all out for so long. Unless Nephi slipped something into our dinner… But the families each had dinner in their own tents last night, so no idea what’s up with that.

Clear and Present Danger

It’s been almost a month now since Dad passed away. There’s a lot of tension right now in the family. Laman has assumed the mantle of leading the family, but Nephi, Sam, and Mom seem unaccepting of that fact. I feel like overall, Laman is doing his best for the group. He’s not prone to the whimsical “visions” that lead to suffering the way Dad was. He can be harsh, but it’s generally in trying to keep Nephi from leading everyone off on whatever foolish misadventure he’s conjured up. Mom has really been keeping the tension manageable up until now. Laman and Nephi both respect her, and so I think she’s the real force that has kept this group together.

But I’m worried things are going to get worse, and Mom’s limited in what she’ll be able to do. Yesterday, Nephi and Laman got into a huge argument. Nephi has been working on gathering gold, silver, and copper in order to make some tumbaga plates and start writing his own scriptures. Laman however thinks that Nephi should be working to provide more for the family. Of course, wrapped up in this whole argument is the subtext of who is really in charge. It ended with Nephi reminding Laman what the angel told us years ago outside of Jerusalem—Nephi would rule because Laman and I were wicked. Laman didn’t have a good retort for that, but you could see the anger boiling inside of him. The next day, Laman and I were out hunting and I was trying to calm him down a bit about Nephi, when we had the following conversation.

Me: Honestly, I think we’d be better off if we ignored him more. You’re the eldest, you have the right to rule, so just rule. As long as the family follows you, let Nephi do what he wants.

Laman: Lemuel, I don’t think you see what’s really going on here. Why did Nephi kill Laban?

Me: He said God told him that it’s better for a wicked person to die than for our posterity to fall into apostasy.

Laman: Now, think about your interactions with Nephi. How does he view you and me?

Me: …as wicked people who…might lead our family into apostasy...

Laman: So you see, in Nephi’s mind, he would be justified in killing you and me.

Me: You’re being paranoid. Nephi wouldn’t kill us!

Laman: Did you think he’d kill Laban?! He didn’t have to. He could’ve just taken his clothes, grabbed the plates, and we’d have been gone before Laban woke up. Ishmael died as a result of his actions too. And he abducted Zoram for no reason. Think about it, he didn’t have to bring Zoram out to meet us, did he? Why did he do it? Nephi’s lust for power knows no bounds, and he saw an opportunity to pick up a servant while demonstrating his superior obedience to Dad. The fact is with Dad gone now, Nephi’s going to make his move. If you want your wife left as a widow and your children without a father, keep your head in the sand. But I have a responsibility as a father to protect my family, even if you want to evade yours.

Me: uhhh...

Laman: Of course, your wife probably won’t be a widow for long. I’ve heard Nephi’s quietly preaching something to “the righteous” about adoption into the family of God, and “sealing" other women to himself. I think that basically means he’s marrying them. So I guess your wife could join his harem, and she’d be alright.

Me [trying to stay calm]: Now you’re just being a jerk. Look, Nephi’s loves power, but he wouldn’t go that far.

Laman: The kid keeps surprising us, Lemuel! I don’t want the next surprise to be fatal! I’m done talking to you about this; take some time to really think about it. Think about your family. Isn’t it your job to protect them?

I hate to say it but Laman kind of has a point here. With Dad gone, Nephi is a real threat to Laman and me. This is the sort of thing that’s littered throughout the books of the kings—brothers killing brothers to secure their rule. I don’t know what to do. Nephi’s my own brother, but I’m worried he might not value my life the same way I value his. With Laman, I at least know that he has the family’s welfare at heart. I hate this situation. There are just no good choices right now.

Shock and Awe

Time to come clean and eat some crow. I’m now busy helping Nephi build the ship. I probably won’t have a ton of time to blog over the next while as we work on this. The day after my last post, Nephi came up behind me and Laman and touched us with his hands. No idea how to explain what happened, but all I can say is there was some power in him that really shook both of us. I guess that’s what I asked for in my prayer—a clear, unmistakable message. And boy did I get it. Anyway, Laman and I took that as evidence God is with Nephi in this ship building project. So even though I’m going to miss Bountiful, we’re doing our part to build a quality ship so we can leave.

Some scenery from our beautiful home we'll be leaving. (And yes, that's the point from which Laman and I were planning to help Nephi "cool off.")

A quick note before I finish up though. I’m still trying to figure things out. Yes, God has given me evidence that Nephi is His man, and I’m accepting that evidence and obeying accordingly, but He hasn’t done anything to help resolve the questions I’ve expressed over and over again. I almost feel like He doesn’t care enough to be bothered. I mean Nephi and Dad get all sorts of personal visitations and answers to their questions, and I get nothing except chastisement and shocks. I really wish God loved me the same way He does Nephi.

Drama in the Desert

I’m back in the Valley of Me again. Home sweet home (big fat nope!). The trip back down here had some drama. After about a day of walking, Hoshea (with a pregnant wife) and Ahijah (with a two-month-old) were talking to Laman about how hard the journey is for their families. They had apparently asked Nephi if we could slow it down, but Nephi was concerned about getting caught by the authorities for the whole Laban thing and was really pushing the pace. He slowed down, but apparently it wasn’t enough. So the next morning, I think Ashtaroth was ready to murder somebody if we kept up the death march. And I don’t blame her. She did not look like a comfortable pregnant lady. And I guess Sheerah’s baby wasn’t nursing real well, which Ahijah thought was because newborns don’t like being drug through the desert. Who knew?

This is not what desert living is like

Well, Hoshea and Ahijah found a listening ear in Laman who is probably even less jazzed about this trip than they are (and it’s not like Laman has a pregnant wife or a newborn to be concerned about). I also get where Hoshea and Ahijah are coming from. Ishmael doesn’t believe his life to be under threat like Dad does, so he doesn’t need to leave right away. He could easily wait about a year and his sons’ families would be in a way better place to make this trip.

So on day two, I figured I’d go talk to Nephi before Laman did. Laman doesn’t exactly have a soft touch when it comes to disagreeing with Nephi. Basically I told Nephi I was wondering if it’d be better for Ishmael’s family to wait a year before joining us. Nephi wasn’t really willing to budge on this issue though. He said that the Lord’s command to Dad included the statement that it wasn’t a good idea for our family to head into the wilderness alone. He interprets this to mean that we’re not going to be sticking around in the Valley of Me much longer, but will soon be heading deeper into the wilderness. So a year from now we won’t be camped out a few days journey from Ishmael’s home and might not be able to come back to Jerusalem again.

Turns out Laman was eavesdropping, and decided at this point to enter the conversation with all the tact of a Ba’al rage-storm. What follows below is basically my best recollection of their conversation:

Laman: Nephi, how does your brain work?! You’d rather follow through with an awkwardly and overly extended interpretation of Dad’s dream-musings than take care of the needs of a pregnant woman and an infant?! What’s wrong with you!!??

Nephi: [sad face]

Laman: Look, I know you wanna be in charge, but you’re not. Each of us here are adults and can make our own decisions. Let’s put the question to the group. [turns to face everyone] Alright listen, Ashtaroth is really struggling guys, and Ahijah’s baby might die because of this trip. Lemuel proposed an excellent idea—

Me: Why thank you!—

Laman: Shut up Lemuel, this isn’t time for your attitude. Now, Lemuel’s idea is for us to come back and get you guys in a year when Ashtaroth and Hoshea’s baby is up for the journey. Ishmael’s life isn’t in danger, and I’m pretty sure the city of Jerusalem can hold up until that point. So, what do you say? Hoshea?

Hoshea: Good plan

Laman: Ashtaroth?

Ashtaroth: It would keep me from murdering Nephi in his sleep tonight.

Laman: Ahijah and Sheera?

Sheera: Of course we agree.

Laman: Ishmael and Jehosheba?

Ishmael: Absolutely not. I know Lehi is a man of God, and I sense that same spirit in Nephi. The Spirit of God confirmed to me that He has commanded Lehi to bring us out of Jerusalem just as Nephi said, and I intend to bring my family out of Jerusalem.

Laman: Okay, I guess I care more for your grandchildren than you do. Next? All the single ladies?

Salome: I’m with Father.

Zilpah: Dad, you know it pains me to go against you, but Laman and Lemuel’s idea sounds like it’d be much better for our family. I ask you to reconsider.

Jael: I’m with Zilpah

Rebekah: Well I’m not. I honestly don’t know that Jerusalem has a year left.

Orpah: Agreed, they’re killing the prophets. The Lord won’t suffer them much longer.

Laman: Couple of prophetesses, eh? Whatever. Sam?

Sam: Laman, you know what the right thing to do is, so man up and do it.

Laman: What did you say to me?! Look, I happen to think the manly thing to do in this case is to not kill the infant and pregnant lady. That’s what I think "manning up" requires. I’m not sure what your definition is.

Nephi: Look! You guys are my OLDER BROTHERS! Why in the world do you have to be so deaf and blind that I, your YOUNGER BROTHER, need to be the example for you? Why haven’t you hearkened to the Lord? Did you forget that you’ve SEEN AN ANGEL!? Or what about His saving us from Laban while helping us get the record? Did you forget about that? How are you not aware that the Lord can do ANYTHING for us if we have faith in Him.

Laman: Nephi—

Nephi: And if we stay faithful to him, we’ll be given a new land of promise, and I guarantee that the Lord will at some point let us know when and how Jerusalem was destroyed. It’s gonna happen. The Spirit of the Lord has withdrawn from them, they’ve rejected the prophets, imprisoned Jeremiah and tried to kill Dad. And if you go back you’ll die with them. So you know what? You wanna go back? Go back up to Jerusalem, and remember what I’m telling you right now. You will die with them. I’m speaking the words that the Spirit of the Lord commanded me to speak.

Laman: You think you can curse me?! You dare to prophesy of my death?! We’ll see who’s going to die first. [sucker punches Nephi]

Me: Woaah—

Laman: —Lemuel, bring me your rope!

Me: Uhhh—

Laman: —He’s going to starve us all in the desert. Now bring me your rope!

So I brought him the rope, and I tied up Nephi while Laman held him. Looking back, I feel pretty bad about that. At the time, I was really bothered by Nephi’s approach to this whole ordeal and his insensitivity to everyone else. So I guess those negative feelings just took over. I figured after we dropped Ishmael’s family off in Jerusalem, we’d untie Nephi on the way back to the Valley of Me. But I was also kinda worried that Laman planned to actually leave him there, and I wasn’t looking forward to the confrontation that would be coming when I went to untie him in a day or so.

Laman then started rounding up the camp and getting everyone ready to head back up to Jerusalem. Meanwhile, I hear Nephi saying something (not sure who he was talking to), and he suddenly wriggled out of the rope, stood up, walked over to us, and let me and Laman have it (verbally). At this point, my calm nature still hadn’t returned and I was still kind of amped up from all the confrontation (confession: I don’t like confrontation; I don’t feel in control of myself in those situations). I thought Nephi was going to take a swing at Laman, so I stepped in and grabbed him. At that point, Jehosheba, Jael, and Ahijah came to play referee. Jehosheba’s just the nicest lady, which makes her a real force to be reckoned with when she puts her foot down in front of you.

I apologized to Nephi for attacking him, and guess what, even Laman apologized. Nephi’s response was “I forgive you, now it’d be a good idea if you pray to God and ask Him to forgive you as well.” So apparently he didn’t feel like he had anything to apologize for. That kind of stuck in my craw, so half of my prayer that followed was asking for forgiveness for attacking Nephi, and the other half was asking for forgiveness of my being bothered by Nephi who apparently thinks he’s totally in the right. I’m still working on that last half.

After the drama was over, we picked up camp and continued on to the Valley of Me (albeit at a pace more accommodating for Ashtaroth). Oh, and for those of you at home still wondering, Ahijah’s baby is eating again, and pooping, and doing all the baby stuff. Things worked out.