Tragedy

I don’t even know how to start this blogpost. We’ve experienced tragedy to the point that my usual slightly snarky tone is now massively inappropriate. Two nights ago, Laman and I were trying to talk to Mom, and she opened her mouth and actually spoke to Laman for the first time in weeks. But it wasn’t helpful. She chewed him out as thoroughly as Dad ever did. She told him it was his own fault that Nephi had left, and that Nephi was never a threat to anyone. That Laman and I had cut ourselves off from God on our own account by driving Nephi away.

What happened next is all a blur, and I’m still trying to put it all together because it happened so fast. I remember Laman actually hitting Mom. Hard. She was sitting up in her bed, and it knocked her down. He attempted a second swing, but I jumped on him to stop him. I was behind him so when I intervened, I jumped onto his back and put him in a chokehold to restrain him. He struggled at the chokehold for only a couple of seconds before he lost consciousness and fell to the floor (I didn’t know cutting off someone's breathing could drop them that fast). But when he hit the ground and I released the hold, he didn’t start breathing again. I couldn’t get him to respond, and my brother died right there in my arms.

The family didn’t expel me because when they saw mom’s broken jaw, they knew I was only trying to defend her. But that’s no comfort to Zilpah and her children who are now left without a husband and father. Trying to process all of this has been more than I can handle. I don’t know how to put into words everything going on in my mind. It’s just that, you know, I didn’t even really want to kill Nephi, who was an actual threat that might’ve required it. I can’t believe the brother whose life I took was Laman. Laman has been trying to protect our family from the moment this whole craziness started. How is he the one that deserves to die? How is it even possible that I killed him? I only had him in the hold for a couple seconds?

Then to top it all off, Mom is far too old to recover from a broken jaw and a ripped apart family. She likely has only a few days left. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep blogging about this. At first, it was therapeutic for dealing with the stupidity of our situation. But our situation has moved from stupidity and craziness to misery and tragedy.

Laman and Mom Problems

We’ve conducted two more searches for Nephi since I last wrote. Laman is getting increasingly frustrated with our failure to find him. He is more convinced than I am that Nephi intends to attack at some point. We don’t want to give him that opportunity, so we’re trying to make sure we find him first.

Mom insists she doesn’t know where Nephi is, and Laman’s paranoia is creating a real rift between the two of them. Mom won’t even speak to Laman anymore, and all he does is yell at her for not letting him know that Nephi was planning to bolt. I think it’s obvious why she didn’t say anything. While she tried to keep harmony, she generally sympathized more with Nephi, and had her health allowed, I’m sure she would’ve left with him. Laman knows that too, and for that reason, he worries that Mom might betray him.

Yesterday, during one of their one-sided “discussions," he even clenched his fist and started to raise his arm. But I caught his attention with a “dude, better cool off” stare, and he relaxed, and just walked away mumbling about why he even tries since there’s no reasoning with a traitor. So as I was saying in the last post, Laman is growing as he takes on the leadership role, but his own demons are exacerbating his weaknesses and causing this division with mom. Her health isn’t great, so I don’t think Laman needs to be so concerned with her. Let her live out her last days in peace. Then we can turn over a new leaf of pragmatism in the family.

Old age should be like this picture—a peaceful place to reflect on

the peaks and valleys of life.

On a somewhat related note, with all the search parties during spring planting season, I’m worried our crop this year might not be sufficient for the growing family. Laman said he has plans to “supplement” our food by raiding the camps of one of the native tribes that recently attacked our native friends. There aren’t as many of us in our group, but we have way better weapons, so we shouldn’t face much of a threat. I’d prefer we were a little more self-sufficient, but this plan allows us to deal with the threat of Nephi and help our friends deal with the threat to their survival. So I guess it’s the best possible option, but I don't like it.