The Voices in My Head

Well, so I went up to the hills last night. Started praying. Asked God if Dad and Nephi were right about everything aaaaaand…nothing. No angels or visions like Nephi or Dad get. No voice of God like that one time. Seems like the only time God wants to talk to me is when Laman and I are at our wit’s end with those two. And then He’s only interested in chastising us. I don’t get it. Anyway, while I was up there, I got to thinking, and kinda had a conversation with myself.

Me: So how is this supposed to work anyway?

Me: Well, what are you expecting?

Me: Some sort of answer about the stuff Dad and Nephi say.

Me: That’s not very specific. How could I answer a question like that?

Me: I guess that’s a good point. I guess, what I want to know is, are the Jews really wicked? Was it really God leading us out of Jerusalem? Is God really leading Dad still? Is it really God who commanded Nephi to build a boat? How can everything I was taught growing up be so wrong?

Me: That's a lot of questions all at once...

Me: Yeah, and no answers. Exactly. And yet Nephi, he’s always talking about how God is talking to him. That’s kind of hard to believe, since it doesn’t ever happen to me.

Me: It doesn’t?

Me: Well, only like the couple times He’s chewed me out. He never answers my questions when I come to Him asking in prayer.

Me: How can you be so sure?

Me: Well if He has, then I’d appreciate it if He spoke a bit louder so I could hear. If He really wants to “reason” with us, not sure why He’s so inaccessible...

Me: Are you sure you’re not the inaccessible one?

Me: Well, yeah, I’m here all the time. Any time He wants to talk, I’m all ears.

Me: And how do you want to be spoken to?

Me: You know, like Nephi does—or at least claims he does. Angels, clear messages, clear voices, etc.

Me: How about the “still small voice” spoken of by Elijah and your brother yesterday?

Me: I don’t even know what to make of that. Just the…just the thoughts that come into your head? How in the world would I distinguish the divine ones from the thoughts I normally have that are not divine—like this little head-conversation I’m having right now? No, the only thing that makes sense is for God to speak clearly and openly to those He has appointed to lead. In this case it’s Dad, and then Laman, with me as a backup to Laman in case Laman stays Laman. Why would God skip me and jump down to Nephi without ever speaking clearly to me first like He does to Nephi. And then, without ever giving me a chance to prove myself, He takes the birthright from me and gives it to Nephi? Then through Nephi condemns me to be ruled over by Nephi? This is not the orderly God I’ve learned of. It’s my right, and so if He’s going to speak, He needs to do so clearly, so I can understand. Otherwise, I have every right to be suspicious of Nephi’s claims. His claims about God’s actions contradict the ways in which I understand God to work.

Me: You want a clear, understandable communication from God?

Me: Yeah! Of course.

Me: Well, you might just get what you ask for sometime in the next couple days.

Me: Yeah, just as I thought. Well, it looks like I’m not getting an answer tonight, but hopefully sometime in the next couple days then.

Then I went back down to camp without hearing a divine peep. It’s now been 2 days since Nephi blew up on us, and threatened to wither us. I’ve been keeping my distance from him in the meantime. I’ll see if God decides to answer my prayers today.

God's Covenant People

You know how sometimes you feel like you’re trying really hard to please someone even though that someone doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, and they seem totally oblivious to everything you’re trying to do for them? Today I feel like that’s what’s happening with me and Dad. He had another dream last night and the message he took away is basically that I’m a bad person who doesn’t love God. In his dream, there was a tree (that may or may not be the olive tree he talked about a few weeks ago, I don’t really get it) and it had some fruit. And Dad, Mom, Nephi, and Sam ate the fruit. But, shocker, Laman and I didn’t. Also, there were a bunch of people in a big building making fun of those who ate the fruit. So Dad spent quite awhile telling us that he was afraid we’d be cut off from God and that we needed to keep God's commandments.

What do the swirl's mean? Probably nothing.

What do I even do with that??? First, it’s just a dream. I have weird dreams about food too lately because we’re in the desert, and I’m hungry more often than I used to be. I’ve always been kind of wary of people who read too much into their dreams. Sometimes dreams are just dreams. In fact, most of the time, dreams are just dreams. I'm sure it's different for prophets, but for people like us, it's best to be cautious.

Second, I’ve done everything Dad has asked, just like Nephi has. I followed Dad out here, I went back and risked my life to get the plates, I went back again to get Ishmael’s family. And yeah, Nephi and I had disagreements that escalated; that’s kind of what brothers do. So for Dad to say, “Oh Nephi (who is apparently my favorite son now) ate the fruit, and Lemuel, you’re lame and didn’t eat the fruit in my trippy dream. That means Lemuel is going to hell, but good job Nephi, God loves you.” It’s like he’s completely unaware of everything I’ve done up to this point. This is a REAL sacrifice, and it’s not easy for me. Which leads into my third point about why this is not easy for me...

This isn’t easy for me because I doubt that we’re really obeying God's commands in this “adventure.” Here’s my problem with this whole thing: I actually believe what God has taught through his prophets. We are the Lord's people. His covenants with Abraham (a prophet) describe the blessings and protections we receive. Moses (a prophet) gave us the law—a law which we the Jews still keep, by the way. Our current political system can be traced back to Samuel (also a prophet). Here’s a list of very specific things from the prophets that Dad and the rest of the Jeremiah faction seem to ignore:

• God promised this of Canaan to Abraham’s seed (that’s us, not the Babylonians). This promise was restated to Isaac, Jacob, and Moses.
• God promised Abraham that his seed will possess the gate of their enemies and those that hate them (in our day, that would be Babylon).
• Furthermore, He promised "I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land."
• Oh, and Israel will possess greater nations that are mightier than Israel themselves. No man will be able to stand before Israel. (quick note, while the nation of Israel has been destroyed, the true ruler of Israel as identified by Jacob is Judah. That same Judah that was protected from Assyria by God. The same Judah that has preserved the line of David.)

Finally, the Jeremiah faction likes to dwell on the perceived weaknesses of our leaders. They say these “sins” are leading to our destruction. I’m the first to admit, the leaders aren’t perfect. Of course they make mistakes. That’s why we observe the sacrifice of the Day of Atonement. It cleanses all our sins before the Lord and allows us to regain our oneness with him.

I’m thinking I’ll take these concerns to Dad. He thinks I’m rebelling against God, but I worry the same about him. Maybe going through the scriptures and helping him better understand our status as the Lord's special, covenant people might clear up some things. Please let me know in the comments if I’ve missed any scriptures or teachings from our recent prophets that could help get Dad back on the right track.

They're Coming with Us (and some prophetic words)

This update is coming sooner than I expected. The good news is I’m not in prison. Also, Ishmael’s place is pretty nice; we’re staying here to help him and his family get geared up to head out. And yes, that means he's going with us. Nephi did all the talking, which made sense. I still haven’t really drank Dad’s Kool-aid so I’m not a very effective representative of his views on this matter. Nephi on the other hand really sells it.

I dunno, maybe I’m being too hard on Nephi. That angel seemed to like him, and he did get the plates. So in spite of his weaknesses, I have to remind myself that he’s got some redeeming qualities. That’s hard to remember though, because I really don’t get what’s going on with him and Dad. They seem to be doing everything wrong, and yet God hasn’t stopped them yet. They criticize our leaders and our people, when it’s obvious that we’re keeping the Law of Moses. Yeah, we’re not perfect, but neither are Jeremiah's followers. Shortly before we left, I heard one of the prophets teach the following:

"Too many people think Jews and their leaders should be perfect or nearly perfect. They forget that the the Lord's grace is sufficient to accomplish His work through mortals. Our leaders have the best intentions, but sometimes we make mistakes. This is not unique to our faith, as the same thing occurs in our relationships among friends, neighbors, and workplace associates and even between spouses and in families.

Looking for human weakness in others is rather easy. However, we make a serious mistake by noticing only the human nature of one another and then failing to see God’s hand working through those He has called.

Focusing on how the Lord inspires His chosen leaders and how He moves Israel to do remarkable and extraordinary things despite their humanity is one way that we hold on to the Law and stay safely within the Good Caravan Israel."

Why do Dad and Nephi have to be so negative? Isaiah was pretty clear when he said, “How beautiful up on the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!…Break forth into joy, sing together, ye waste places of Jerusalem: for Jehovah hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem.” Don’t they know what these words mean? Why would they rather be negative and criticize others instead of be counted among those who bring good tidings?

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, but it’s just something that’s been on my mind lately as I'm trying to figure this thing out. I admit I’m still at a loss.

Anyway, back to the main point, Ishmael and Nephi really hit it off. So Mr. Charisma apparently isn’t as awkward as I thought. He just gels with certain types of people. With Zoram and now Ishmael, I’m worried we might have too many of Nephi's “type” pretty soon.

Luckily they're balanced out by Ishmael’s sons and a couple of his daughters who seem to be a bit more practical. Both of Ishmael’s sons have one young kid, and his oldest son, Hoshea, will be getting a second kid soon. His wife, Ashtaroth, is about six months along. Sheerah, Ahijah’s wife (Ahijah is Ishmael’s second son), just had a baby two months ago. So needless to say, neither Hoshea nor Ahijah are all that pumped about abandoning everything to live in the desert. It was one thing for our family to do it with all of us kids being a bit older. But taking a newborn out to live the life of a nomad…well, I can see why his two sons are ticked at us.

Last night, I could see how unhappy Hoshea and Ahijah were with their Dad, so I pulled them aside and kind of gave them the run down. I let them know that most of us weren’t excited about it either, but it’s like Dad and Nephi are on a different planet. I told them to store their stuff somewhere secure because eventually our Dads and Nephi would come back to earth when the reality of the situation (read: potentially starving in the desert) set in. We just gotta get through this until Dad and Ishmael have had time to cool off and feel it’s safe to return. I don’t know if this helped them settle down or not, but at least they’re cool with me now and realize we’re on the same side.

Same goes for Zilpah and Jael, two of Ishmael’s daughters, who were there when I was trying to calm their brothers. They don’t have circumstances that cause the same level of concern as their brothers, but they’re rightfully concerned anyway. Zilpah’s worried that her dad is full on apostate now. He’s no longer just reading and listening to the Jeremiah faction, but now he’s abandoning Israel. I totally get where she’s coming from. I didn’t really have a good answer to help her out because…well…I worry about the same thing.