So My Brother's a Sword Murderer

Sorry to leave you all hanging for a couple of days. We’re back in the Valley of Me, and I’m trying to decide where I should even start. Uhhh, Nephi straight up killed a guy. How’s that for a starting place? But let’s do the background first.

So if you recall a few days ago when I last posted, I left you all hanging while we waited outside the city walls, and Nephi was trying to get the plates. Shortly after I published that post, Sam spotted two guys headed toward us. Laman was the first to recognize who they were (or so we thought). He yell/whispered, “It’s Laban! Run!” All three of us took off only to hear Nephi yell at us to stop. We turned around, and suddenly realized it’s Nephi, dressed like Laban, wrestling some dude to the ground.

At this point in the story, I have no idea what's going on, but figured I better go help keep this guy down because whatever crap Nephi just got into would probably get way worse if the guy escaped. As I got to Nephi, I heard him explaining something about God commanding us to do this, and trying to convince the guy to go with us back to the Valley of Me. That’s kind of a tough sell, so I was surprised when the guy agreed, but I guess when you’re pinned down by your abductor and surrounded by his three brothers, you don’t have much of a choice. Also, the brass plates were on the ground next to the two. I was thinking, “I have no idea how you pulled this off, but I’ll bet it’s a good story.” And yeah, we’ll get to that in a bit. The guy is one of Laban's servants, Zoram, and over the last couple days chatting with him, I decided he’s a pretty nice guy.

Once Zoram agreed to go with us, Nephi wouldn’t immediately tell the story of how he accomplished everything because he was pretty sure we needed to get moving right away. So we walked for a couple hours then stopped for a super late night dinner where Nephi explained it all.

As you might recall, Nephi’s plan was to “follow the Spirit.” And so whatever that means, he was basically doing it, and ran right into Laban out in the street. Laban was passed out drunk and Nephi said the Spirit “constrained [him] that he should kill Laban.” Nephi said it was justified because Laban robbed us and tried to kill us. And I get that, but, I think it’s generally the role of the proper authorities to punish people for crimes. Otherwise, if everyone was their own judge, jury, and executioner, then we'd have chaos. Nephi also said the Spirit told him that he had to slay Laban so that we could have the records for our posterity. So he killed Laban, dressed in his clothes, tricked Zoram into giving him the plates, and brought Zoram out to meet the family.

What I don’t get is this: getting the records was necessary, but killing Laban wasn’t. Nephi could’ve done all of those things and left Laban alive, passed out, and naked in the street. We would’ve had a big enough head start on Laban that he wouldn’t have found us once he realized the plates were gone.

I mentioned this last point to Nephi, and asked him why he didn’t just leave Laman alive. I don’t recall exactly what he said, but it was basically along the lines of, “Huh, that’s an interesting point. I wonder why the Spirit didn’t tell me to do that. I’ll have to ask the Lord about that.” So yeah, not really sure where to go with it from here.

Zoram painted this picture to commemorate our return.
He's pretty good, but he barely included me!

The point is we’re all alive and back with the family. Mom and Dad were pretty happy to see us. I guess Mom thought we all died (at least one of my parents still cares). She said this experience taught her a lesson and she now knows that our family is doing as the Lord commands. But I’m still not to that point yet. All I know is that I used to find Nephi a bit abrasive, but now he’s jumped into a new category: scary.

Dad was so excited to get the records, that as soon as we finished offering sacrifices he grabbed the plates and started reading them. He found some shade just outside of camp and has been over there for hours reading. Anyway, dinner time. I gotta see if I can pull him away from his new book.

Stayin' Alive

Bored and scared. Figured I might as well kick out a blog post. We made it back to Jerusalem, and right now Laman, Sam, and I are hiding just outside the walls. Nephi is apparently improvising a plan/hopefully not dying right now. But let’s back up.

We arrived back in town yesterday, and Laman ended up going first—not of his own volition mind you. We cast lots and he was the one who had to go talk to Laban. We decided to just send one person because then Laban can only kill one of us, and mom and dad will still have some sons to help them out on this whole extended camping trip. Anyway, Laman goes in, asks for the plates, and it went about as well as expected. Laban (since he probably stole the plates) was probably really surprised anyone even knew he had them. Obviously he didn’t want this to get out, so Laban told his henchmen to kill Laman. I’ve never seen Laman move real fast, but apparently he’s got wheels enough to make it back to us alive. I’m thinking, "Alright, we fulfilled the commandment. We came up here, sought the plates, gave it our darnedest, and all of us are still alive to boot. So, not a great day, but could’ve been worse."

Nephi didn’t agree with my assessment of the situation. And even though my viewpoint carried the majority, Nephi seems to think his view is the only one that matters. After his dad-esque lecture, he actually came up with an idea that seemed decent at the time: Go get all the stuff from our house, and use it to buy the records from Laban. So we went down to our house to gather our stuff. It was pretty late, so we stayed the night there, and in the morning we came back up here with our gold and whatever we thought Laban might like. It was a slow hike back up here carrying all our stuff, and I was pretty exhausted by that point. We went to Laban’s compound and proposed the swap.

It was right around the moment we entered the compound that I figured out the plan wasn’t as decent as originally thought. You see, Laban had already shown his propensity to kill. He was willing to kill my brother just for kicks. Then, the next day, the four of us walk in unarmed, carrying all of Dad’s wealth right into his compound for him—his compound that’s filled with armed soldiers! That’s when I realized this likely wasn’t going to go as Nephi planned it. But by that point, it’s too late for me to voice this concern. I instantly dropped my bag of stuff on the ground and started trying to catch my breath because I knew I would be running for my life shortly.

Anyway, Laban, being horrible but not a dumb, saw the golden opportunity that just waltzed in and sent his guards to take us out. Running with a pack puts one at a disadvantage. Consequently, we were obliged to drop our stuff and ran like Ba’al was after us to get out of there. We got out of the city and they chased us for quite awhile until we found a small cave to hide in. We were pretty freaked out, and it took awhile to calm down.

In fact, I have to confess, I did lose my cool as a result. You see, up until this point, I knew that eventually things would calm down with Dad, and we’d all come back home when he thought things had blown over. Then we’d pick up with life like it was before. But the other problem with Nephi’s plan is that it didn’t leave any room for when Dad comes to his senses. You see, when we come back now, Dad’s going to find pretty much all of his stuff gone. It’s hard to run a trading business if you have nothing to trade.

So the realization that we (read: Nephi) just bankrupted our family hit while my adrenaline from almost dying was still pretty amped up. I flipped out on Nephi. Of course, it wasn’t just me. Laman was the first to inform him of how huge of a screw up he was. And man, Laman’s got a mouth on him. That kid needs to calm it down. Anyway, Laman got himself so worked up he started beating Nephi and Sam, and I joined in too. (For the record, I left Sam out of it, I don’t blame him for this).

However, I have to point out here, that in spite of how dumb Nephi is, we shouldn’t have been hitting him. And I guess it’s for that reason that the craziest thing happened. A guy appeared and told us to stop. The thing is, I’m pretty sure that guy was an angel or spirit or something. We have no idea who he was or where he came from, but he just walked into the cave somehow without any of us even noticing him until he spoke. He was dressed in a loose (really!) white robe that came down almost to his wrists and ankles, but not quite. He said something about Nephi being a ruler over us, and then he told us to go up to Jerusalem again, and that the Lord would “deliver Laban into [our] hands.” Then he just left. And I’m sitting there thinking, “Uhhh, why did you leave?! The four of us obviously don’t have the power to get the records from Laban. But you know what would be helpful in this situation? An angel!” Laban would be like, “Nope, I’m gonna kill you (ps, how are you guys still alive?).” And I’d be like, “Nope we’re gonna angel you first.” It would be really epic.

I think this would be pretty effective against a band of 50

But that can’t happen now. Because the angel left. Laman and I both were at a loss about what we should do now. I mean, if the angel commanded it, it must be God’s will. But the thing is, sometimes carrying out God’s will means you die. Isaiah got sawed in half for being obedient to the Lord. So, the fact I’m facing probable death for the 2nd time today was weighing heavily on my mind (and I think Laman’s too since this would be his 3rd time in the last 2 days).

Anyway, Nephi attempted a motivational speech that really we couldn’t argue with. I mean, the whole angel thing is kind of a trump card at that point. As we headed back up to Jerusalem for a third time, I pointed out that we have no idea what we’re doing. Luckily, Nephi told us to chill and he’d give it a shot. I asked him if he had a plan. His response: “Follow the Spirit.” I gotta give the kid some points for his guts. I’ve never been able to really understand what people mean when they talk about direct revelation/inspiration from the Spirit. I’ve prayed, and tried to get direction, but I just don’t think that’s how God talks to me. Anyway, since that’s Nephi’s plan, I hope that’s how God talks to him.

So the three of us have been hanging out here for awhile now. I’m just hoping Nephi’s still alive. Oh yeah, and in case you’re wondering, I apologized to Nephi and Sam (even though I didn’t do anything to Sam—that was Laman, but he hasn’t been in an apologetic mood). I figured just in case the worst happens, I’d like to have things cleared up between him and me.

Not sure how this will play out, but I’ll probably post again with updates when I get a chance.

A Good Day to Die?

Okay, I’m starting to wonder if I’m the one here who’s a prophet. Seriously though, what did I say in my last post? I was worried that Dad was going to go even farther down this road of crazy, and he has. He wants me and my brothers to go back to Jerusalem and talk to Laban and see if we can get him to give us the brass plates.

I tried to explain to him the challenge involved in this task. Now before I recount our conversation, let me give you some background. Laman was explaining to me that ever since Babylon got rid of our last king and installed Hezekiah, Laban has been on a power grab. The guy’s official title is captain of 50, but he’s actually way more powerful than that. Also, he hates the Jeremiah followers, and I’m not sure why he even has the brass plates. I’m thinking he probably stole them. I’m not sure if my dad’s dream about his life being endangered was true or not, but if it was, then Laban was probably the reason. Anyway, so this is what I remember of our conversation:

Me: Soooo, we are supposed to go to Laban, and ask him to give us the plates.

Dad: Yes, the Lord commands that you seek the records from him.

Me: Okaayyyy, but, why would Laban give them to us? If your dream about people gonna kill you was right, those people are probably Laban. I don’t see him being very cooperative. In fact, he might kill us. And if he doesn’t kill us, he’ll probably send some of his men to tail us back here so they can kill you. Sooooo, I’m just not sure how this could possibly work? Did the Lord happen to mention to you how we should do this?

Dad: He only commanded that you go to Jerusalem and seek the records from Laban. You’ll need to receive guidance from Him on how to do the seeking. This is an important part of yours and Laman’s growth into followers of the Lord.

Me: Okay, well, we can tell him that you said the Lord commands him to give us the records, but I don’t know that such a statement will lead to the desired behavior from him.

Laman: Dad, Listen to yourself! You’re going to get us killed for nothing. There’s no way we can get those records. We can’t steal them, his compound has too many guards. We can’t request them, he’ll kill us. Lemuel’s trying to point this out to you diplomatically, but you’re too foolish to see the truth. This is impossible, and you’re going to get us killed.

Dad: The Lord will protect you. Go in faith, and He’ll guide you to accomplish His will.

Laman: Is it His will that you and Mom are left without any sons?

Me: Maybe that’s why they’re having another kid. [snicker snicker]

Laman: Shut up, Lemuel!

And that was pretty much it. So yeah, now we’re gearing up to go back. I never had to deal much with Laban before, but Laman did, and he really doesn’t like the guy. He says we’re going back to our graves. Gonna be walking a lot the next couple days so I probably won’t have time to update everyone until we get back…if we get back. Probably shouldn’t be so morbid on this blog, but honestly guys, I’m kind of scared. Even if God did command this, it’s not like everyone who does God’s bidding always lives. Sometimes they die too. Pray for us.

Update: Nephi thinks it’s a great idea. Talking to him about the inherent problems with the plan was about as effective as talking to dad. Laman is more worried now because we have Mr. Social Skills himself coming along to interact with Laban.