Everything I Know Is Wrong — Vol 2

Good news, we’re still alive. The storm has passed. And I guess God put me back in my place...again. Here’s the full story.

So two posts ago, I mentioned I was going to see if we could have some fun on the boat. Ahijah, true to expectation, taught us some good songs. We broke out the wine and we started to dance. It was the best time we’d had in weeks. Nephi, however, saw people having fun and decided God doesn’t like fun, and so we’d better stop it. I get that we need to obey God, but we need balance in our lives. People need time to unwind, and I don’t think Nephi gets that.

Anyway, he ripped into us for singing, dancing, and a few of Ahijah’s slightly off-color jokes. And normally I’m used to that, and can deal with it. And normally, none of us ever have more than a moderate amount of wine at a time. But we did get a bit to free with the wine, and Nephi’s self-righteousness came off as extra abrasive, so Laman and I told him off and tied him up on the ship so he’d leave us alone. We basically put him in a time out. Once he cooled off, we planned to let him go.

Nephi had been doing a lot of the steering up to that point (shocker, I know), so with him tied up, Laman went to take a turn. We thought the director was jammed or something, or that we might’ve broken it in the tussle with Nephi, so Laman had no idea where we were going. I tried to unjam it, or see if I could fix it, but no luck.

We went back to check on Nephi and tell him we’re in trouble because the director must’ve been broken when we tied him up, and asked him if he had the tools he needed to fix it. Rather than be a team player, he just lit into us again and said the director stopped working because of our wickedness. At that point we decided he hadn’t cooled off enough to come out of time out.

Because we didn’t know where we were going, the next day we ended up steering ourselves into a giant storm. Everyone was telling us we needed to let Nephi go, and the storm came because we tied him up. My thinking was correlation doesn’t equal causation. God himself seems to enjoy a bit of wine (story here), and so even though Nephi and Dad have been on God’s side on a number of issues over the last eight or nine years, there’s no way he’s right about this one, and he needs to get off his high horse. I felt like he was trying to rule over the entirety of the family now, and we needed to put him in his place. Not that he’s below us, but just that he’s not over us either.

Anyway, storm kept getting worse, and everyone kept saying we needed to untie Nephi. After four days of that storm going, it got so bad, we knew it was over. The ship didn’t seem like it could take too much more of this, and the waves were getting crazy enough that capsizing seemed inevitable. Everyone was begging for us to untie Nephi. I kept thinking there’s no way that’s connected to this storm, but we figured we’d give it a shot. Also, if the ship capsized, we didn’t want him to be tied to it. If there’s anywhere close to swim to, that at least would give him a chance at survival.

So we untied him, and looking at him, he was in rough shape. I felt pretty bad. His wrists were pretty swollen because not only was he tied, but also the rocking of the boat probably threw him against the restraints quite a bit. He was honestly classier than I expected. He didn’t rail on us, instead he just went and grabbed the director, and kneeled down and prayed. And…well, the storm stopped.

I snapped this picture within a minute after Nephi finished praying. Bizarre.

Guys, I don’t know what to say at this point. It just feels like God is trying to showcase that He’s picked Nephi to be His favorite, and to rub that in every chance possible. Nephi was all worried that our partying was going to upset God, and it didn’t. There was no storm because of us having some fun. He was wrong. We tried to get him to chill out by putting him in timeout, and that’s when God decided to show His displeasure.

What am I missing here?! I didn’t think God was like this. Since when does He pick favorites who He supports regardless of how right or wrong they are? I never understood Job before. He made God seem too arbitrary. It didn’t match with the understanding of God that our prophets taught back home. But now I think I get it. He saves whoever He wants, and He condemns whoever He wants. “Blessed be the name of the Lord.” And I guess I’m just on the loosing end of His arbitrary nature. But I don’t want to be on the bad end. I’d like to be favored of God.

I’ve been trying.

I guess…I guess I might as well give up at this point. It’s clear He doesn’t want me.

The Perfect Storm

This is gonna be quick. Just want to give a quick update in case this is the last post you get from me. The last two days we’ve been in a MASSIVE storm. Ship is holding up pretty well, but I’m not sure how many more days this storm will go. It’s been getting progressively worse, and even if the ship doesn’t break up, if she flips, we’re done for. I gotta get back to my post. Missing the boredom right now. Hope I’ll posting again in a few days. Please pray for us...

Last two days worth of scenery

Labeling a Post "Boring" Probably Isn't the Best Way to Get You to Read It

I thought all the extra time would allow me to do some good blogging, but it turns out when you’re bored out of your mind, it’s hard to think of anything to blog about. So I figured I could at least blog about the monotony to give me a break. But now I’m out of things to say about it other than state the fact that monotony is monotonous.

Maybe I’ll go talk to Ahijah. I hear he used to work at a pub for awhile. He probably knows some fun songs and dances from his days there. Maybe we could have some fun and liven up this place.

Boring Boredom is Boring

We shoved off from Bountiful about a week ago and we’re all. so. bored. and. testy. It’s a little closer quarters than I think we’re used to especially with all the kids running around now. There’s nothing much to do each day except prepare food, clean up food, and sit around.

My bet is on Laman being the first one to snap, but Jael thinks it’ll be one of her brothers first. I think it’d be awesome if it was Sam. He’s always so easy-going, if he finally just flipped out, it’d be hilarious, and not what anyone would expect.

Thinking about Sam having a break down is the most lively thought I’ve had this whole week. Well, that was fun. Now back to regularly scheduled reality of now. So. Boring.

Boat's Done

Quick update is all I have time for. Ship is done. We tested it out; it runs well, and no leaks. We’re in the middle of loading up all our gear into the ship before we shove off. I imagine we’ll be leaving pretty soon. Once we get on board, I imagine things will probably be kind of slow, so I’ll have more time to blog.

Parting shot of our beautiful, temporary home

Shock and Awe

Time to come clean and eat some crow. I’m now busy helping Nephi build the ship. I probably won’t have a ton of time to blog over the next while as we work on this. The day after my last post, Nephi came up behind me and Laman and touched us with his hands. No idea how to explain what happened, but all I can say is there was some power in him that really shook both of us. I guess that’s what I asked for in my prayer—a clear, unmistakable message. And boy did I get it. Anyway, Laman and I took that as evidence God is with Nephi in this ship building project. So even though I’m going to miss Bountiful, we’re doing our part to build a quality ship so we can leave.

Some scenery from our beautiful home we'll be leaving. (And yes, that's the point from which Laman and I were planning to help Nephi "cool off.")

A quick note before I finish up though. I’m still trying to figure things out. Yes, God has given me evidence that Nephi is His man, and I’m accepting that evidence and obeying accordingly, but He hasn’t done anything to help resolve the questions I’ve expressed over and over again. I almost feel like He doesn’t care enough to be bothered. I mean Nephi and Dad get all sorts of personal visitations and answers to their questions, and I get nothing except chastisement and shocks. I really wish God loved me the same way He does Nephi.

The Voices in My Head

Well, so I went up to the hills last night. Started praying. Asked God if Dad and Nephi were right about everything aaaaaand…nothing. No angels or visions like Nephi or Dad get. No voice of God like that one time. Seems like the only time God wants to talk to me is when Laman and I are at our wit’s end with those two. And then He’s only interested in chastising us. I don’t get it. Anyway, while I was up there, I got to thinking, and kinda had a conversation with myself.

Me: So how is this supposed to work anyway?

Me: Well, what are you expecting?

Me: Some sort of answer about the stuff Dad and Nephi say.

Me: That’s not very specific. How could I answer a question like that?

Me: I guess that’s a good point. I guess, what I want to know is, are the Jews really wicked? Was it really God leading us out of Jerusalem? Is God really leading Dad still? Is it really God who commanded Nephi to build a boat? How can everything I was taught growing up be so wrong?

Me: That's a lot of questions all at once...

Me: Yeah, and no answers. Exactly. And yet Nephi, he’s always talking about how God is talking to him. That’s kind of hard to believe, since it doesn’t ever happen to me.

Me: It doesn’t?

Me: Well, only like the couple times He’s chewed me out. He never answers my questions when I come to Him asking in prayer.

Me: How can you be so sure?

Me: Well if He has, then I’d appreciate it if He spoke a bit louder so I could hear. If He really wants to “reason” with us, not sure why He’s so inaccessible...

Me: Are you sure you’re not the inaccessible one?

Me: Well, yeah, I’m here all the time. Any time He wants to talk, I’m all ears.

Me: And how do you want to be spoken to?

Me: You know, like Nephi does—or at least claims he does. Angels, clear messages, clear voices, etc.

Me: How about the “still small voice” spoken of by Elijah and your brother yesterday?

Me: I don’t even know what to make of that. Just the…just the thoughts that come into your head? How in the world would I distinguish the divine ones from the thoughts I normally have that are not divine—like this little head-conversation I’m having right now? No, the only thing that makes sense is for God to speak clearly and openly to those He has appointed to lead. In this case it’s Dad, and then Laman, with me as a backup to Laman in case Laman stays Laman. Why would God skip me and jump down to Nephi without ever speaking clearly to me first like He does to Nephi. And then, without ever giving me a chance to prove myself, He takes the birthright from me and gives it to Nephi? Then through Nephi condemns me to be ruled over by Nephi? This is not the orderly God I’ve learned of. It’s my right, and so if He’s going to speak, He needs to do so clearly, so I can understand. Otherwise, I have every right to be suspicious of Nephi’s claims. His claims about God’s actions contradict the ways in which I understand God to work.

Me: You want a clear, understandable communication from God?

Me: Yeah! Of course.

Me: Well, you might just get what you ask for sometime in the next couple days.

Me: Yeah, just as I thought. Well, it looks like I’m not getting an answer tonight, but hopefully sometime in the next couple days then.

Then I went back down to camp without hearing a divine peep. It’s now been 2 days since Nephi blew up on us, and threatened to wither us. I’ve been keeping my distance from him in the meantime. I’ll see if God decides to answer my prayers today.